Last month, I had my annual Medicare wellness check-up. As some readers know, once you reach 65, you no longer have a physical exam; you have a Medical wellness checkup. It’s like they’re purposely rubbing salt into the wound — do I really need reminding that I’m an old man? Having a “physical” sounds healthy to me: “Oh yeah, I can still get physical. I’ve got some strength left in me. I’m no wilting wimp.” Medical wellness checkup? Not so much.
Also: I’d estimate that 90% of my recent “checkup” involved my doctor asking questions and recording answers on her computer. This, after I’d filled out a two-sided form in the waiting room. It’s as if she knows that, at 71, I have a few problems and that yes, she could poke and prod and announce: “You have a few problems.” But why waste time with the poking and prodding?
I do like my doctor and, in all honesty, don’t mind being asked questions. Hey, I figure I’m out of the house and someone is showing or feigning interest in my well-being. After 41 years of blissful married life (my wife might read this!), I’ll accept interest from almost anyone.
Here are a few questions I was asked (by my doctor and on the form) and the answers I gave (with some creative liberties):
■Are there loose rugs in your home?
Well, yes, but they don’t move. I mean, we don’t have wall-to-wall and we use sticky mats underneath. Am I safe?
■Do you get regular exercise?
Um, yes, I’d say so. But I never work up a sweat? Is that bad? (I should add here that my doctor is friendly but no-nonsense. A successful visit for me is when I get her to crack a smile.)
■Do you still have sex? (The word “still” was a zinger!)
Yes, as far as I remember. And my memory’s good as far as I recall. (Smile!)
■Is your bedroom on the first floor of your house?
If I remember correctly, it’s on the second floor.
■How many steps up?
Thirteen, with two landings? Is it a sign of old age that I memorized that?
■Are fruits and vegetables a regular part of your daily diet?
I eat lots of fruits and vegetables in between bagels and chocolate ice cream.
■You have gained some weight.
Yes, I have.
■Do you toilet yourself?
Yes. More times than you could possibly believe. (No smile.)
■Do you ever wake up feeling anxious or depressed?
Often, but only during baseball season. (No response.)
■Do you have someone who will take care of you if you are unable to do so?
Yes, my wife.
■And she will look after you?
I won’t starve, but toileting might be a big ask.
■What type of wood will you choose for your casket?
Nah! My good doctor wouldn’t go that far.
Gene Stamell is a retired teacher who lives in Leverett. He can be reached at gstamell@gmail.com