I am not on Facebook. However, a friend sent me a screen shot of a posting by a Northampton resident who listed 15 local couples (30 individuals) with the caption, “Abuse-of-power couples.” The posting went on to say, “If you know these folks personally, you know it is tragic that so many of them have cold hearts and dim intellects while also having outsized influence and control over our $100M per year in city resources, to say nothing of their choices in hiring, legislating, supporting arts and culture, safeguarding democracy, and providing public education.”
It turns out that I do know all the people on the list, and not one of them has a cold heart or a dim intellect. Not one. The list includes fine Northampton residents: activists, scholars, teachers, elected officials, parents, lawyers, members of synagogues and churches, folks who volunteer with countless local nonprofits and serve on many local boards.
I know some folks on the list better than others. But I know them all well enough to say with confidence that they are trustworthy, principled, and dedicated people who love their kids, their city, their work, and are good neighbors. These people should not be maligned online — no one should be. Insults about fellow community members posted online reflect badly on the author, not on those named.
To counteract how distasteful and dispiriting I found this posting, I reviewed my notes from a workshop I attended recently called “Community Care: Needed Now More Than Ever.” The workshop was expertly facilitated by the remarkable educator and experienced consultant Amihan Matias, who lives in Granby. Amihan is a DEI professional, an anti-racism activist, and a consultant on issues including the empowerment of women of color, organizational development, cultural humility, the role of allies as agents of change, and the growing field of community care.
With grace and a gentle touch, Amihan led our group through a series of exercises — using questions, quotes, and drawing on each individual’s own story and experience — to identify what causes community to break down and what contributes to community building.
Amihan’s workshop was built around several key questions that formed the framework for our discussion: What are the characteristics of a strong community? How do we deepen our connection one to another in community? How do we live out the reality that “we are each other’s keepers?”
Amihan began by enumerating several “Community Touchstones” that formed the basis of our dialogue with each other. I have kept those touchstones on my desk. They include: Speak your truth in a way that respects other’s truths. Attend to impact, no matter what the intent. Turn assumptions into questions, defensiveness into self-reflection, disagreement into shared exploration, and judgment into curiosity. Prepare to be changed and surprised.
It is impossible to summarize the many insights and feelings we shared during that workshop on community care. But as I reflect on Amihan’s teachings, here are some of the lessons that stand out for me.
The first is that change happens at the speed of trust.
If we want our community to be vibrant, egalitarian, thriving, safe, and caring, we must ask ourselves when we post comments online, speak at public meetings, write a letter to the editor, and so on, does this action promote or break down trust in this community? Does this help us listen deeply to one another and move forward in the same direction? Building trust in community, Amihan taught us, is aided by repeated acts of kindness, and by daring to be vulnerable with one another. Another thing that builds trust is the ability to admit that you were wrong, to learn something new and change course, and to model that for others.
Another teaching from the workshop that I prize is that people have a longing for belonging.
People in community want to feel seen, heard, affirmed, and valued. We build community when we not only listen to people but believe them. Listen and believe. We build community when we reach for common ground, not jump to criticize.
A key step in community building is to assume that people are coming from a place of good will, and to proceed from there. That is, assume positive motivation rather than negative motivation when people discuss city politics, matters concerning the budget, and decisions coming from the mayor’s office.
Amihan’s workshop made me think about the words of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who often spoke about the “Beloved Community.” I want that. I want to help create the community Dr. King spoke about: a place of safety and compassion, peace and justice, friendship and caring.
One of the great gifts Amihan gave participants in her workshop on Community Care was a visionary quote by Valarie Kaur that I find hopeful, and can serve as a guidepost as we make our way trying to build community in our small city on a big river in western Massachusetts:
“I close my eyes and reach my hand out in the dark — and I find your hand. And yours. And yours. There are thousands of us… who are awake now — awake to our connectedness, awake to our humanity, awake to love, and willing to risk ourselves for it.”
The Rev. Andrea Ayvazian, Ministerial Team, Alden Baptist Church, Springfield, is also founder and director of the Sojourner Truth School for Social Change Leadership.