A woman, Emma, had been gently suggesting for months that her husband schedule a physical with his doctor. He brushed it off each time. “I’m fine,” he would say, waving away her concern. But she noticed the changes — the exhaustion, the shortness of breath when climbing stairs, the increasing complaints about stomach aches. What troubled her most wasn’t only the symptoms themselves. It was feeling alone with her worry each time he dismissed it.
This is a common occurrence — a partner, spouse, relative or friend is wanting a loved one to take better care of their health and is met with disinterest, resistance or procrastination. Consistently neglecting one’s health can shift the balance between two people. When the dynamic begins to resemble parenting rather than partnering, or being equals in any relationship, emotional and physical intimacy can suffer as well.
Do you take care of your health?
For many of us, life is busy and stressful. Between work, family and endless responsibilities, it can be easy to postpone something that doesn’t feel urgent — caring for our bodies. We skip checkups, dismiss fatigue, ignore nagging symptoms or assume things will resolve on their own. But when we neglect our health, the consequences can reach further than we might realize, not only for ourselves, but for our partner and the people who love us.
Self-care is ultimately an individual responsibility. It is something we do for our own well-being. Yet, in a committed relationship, our physical and emotional health becomes part of a shared reality. When one partner repeatedly avoids addressing health concerns, the other may gradually begin to carry unseen burdens.
If a partner consistently bypasses routine medical appointments, dismisses growing fatigue as “just getting older” or shrugs off worsening pain rather than seeking medical attention, a preventable situation can slowly become a serious one. Over time, habits such as frequently eating fast food, regular drinking, too little sleep, an inactive lifestyle and constant stress can quietly accumulate into real health risks.
When this happens, the other partner may find themselves stepping into a role they never expected — scheduling appointments, encouraging lifestyle changes, monitoring medications and worrying privately about what could happen if nothing changes. What begins as one person’s avoidance can slowly become another person’s emotional burden. It can also feel bewildering to try to motivate someone who seems reluctant to help themselves.
Caregiving can be an act of deep love. We may all find ourselves in this position at times when we need to take care of a loved one. But when this need emerges suddenly or without choice, it can become exhausting and frightening.
Research explains what many couples experience. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, men are significantly more likely than women to report not having seen a health care professional within the past year. Cultural expectations often encourage men to push through pain, minimize symptoms or equate self-reliance with strength, making it harder to seek help or admit vulnerability. My hope is that any man who can relate to the above will push past the expectations to “tough it out” when it comes to health concerns and seek the guidance, attention and help that may be needed.
Certainly, anyone can struggle with prioritizing their health, and the reasons are often complex. Financial stress, depression, lack of access to health care, fear of bad news or simply feeling overwhelmed can make self-care feel out of reach. In our fast-paced culture, there are few natural pauses that encourage us to slow down and tend to our well-being. We certainly don’t have “wellness days” as part of our health benefits from work, specifically for spending some time nurturing our own wellness. Unlike here in the United States, Germany has traditionally valued a work-life balance and offers a generous vacation package, 25 to 30 days of paid vacation per year to full time employees. There is also an emphasis on not working more than eight hours in a day.
Stress is often not taken seriously
There are also quieter forms of self-neglect that appear long before serious illness develops. One of the most common is chronic stress. A certain amount of stress can be useful. It can motivate us to meet deadlines, solve problems and rise to challenges. But when stress becomes constant and unmanaged, it can take a significant toll on the body and mind. Research has linked prolonged stress to heart disease, hypertension, digestive issues, sleep disruption, weakened immune function, chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression.
Partners often notice these effects before the person experiencing them does. They may see the exhaustion, hear the irritability or sense that something isn’t right. Sometimes they also notice increased withdrawal into screens, work or other distractions — stress-reducing strategies that can turn into habits — and interfere with time together, quietly eroding connection.
Healthy relationships thrive when each partner takes responsibility for their own wellbeing, while supporting one another. There are many uplifting and enjoyable activities that support well-being such as going to a spa, seeing a play, socializing with friends, going out dancing, fishing, boating, playing pickleball, joining a book club or playing with one’s children or grandchildren. It is very important to “follow our joy,” whatever that happens to be, and make room for these experiences. We also need to include forms of self-care that directly protect our health such as attending medical appointments, addressing symptoms early, prioritizing sleep, moving our bodies enough, eating healthily, managing stress and accepting support when life becomes difficult. Addressing any unhealthy habits such as smoking, using substances to one’s detriment and addictions are also part of the mix when striving to be and stay healthy.
If you recognize yourself in this column, consider taking one small step toward caring for your health today. Schedule the checkup you’ve been postponing. Take a walk. Pay attention to fatigue that doesn’t improve. Make space for rest and movement. Talk to a trusted friend or enter into psychotherapy if stress feels overwhelming. Sometimes caring for our health also means reassessing our lifestyle, workload or habits and making difficult but necessary changes.
I am whole-heartedly cheering you on to take a strong stand for taking care of your health. Perhaps you might even want to have an honest conversation with your partner, spouse, friends or anyone close to you about how you can support each other in living healthier lives. Now that just might be a conversation worth having.
Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information, visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.