I remember being in probably the second year of my male-to-female transition and my therapist at the time posed the question: “How is it to be queer?” I honestly don’t remember how I answered, but I remember thinking, “I’m not queer, I’m transgender.” Then, I realized that, yes, I guess there is no denying that I am part of the queer community.
When my therapist posed the question, all I could think of was Archie Bunker in “All in the Family” talking derogatorily about “da queers.” As a kid, when I first heard Archie spout off about “da queers,” I heard the message that being queer was something one didn’t want to aspire to. I also got the message I didn’t want to hang out with queers.
To my young mind, I was fairly sure that it was yet another thing that bigoted Archie was wrong about, yet perhaps one couldn’t be too careful. But here I am, half a century later, happily guilty on both charges, being queer and hanging out with queer friends.
The discussion with my therapist took place probably five years ago and since that time, I have staked my place as a proud member of the queer community, although admittedly, I still prefer the term “LGBTQ+ community.” I am very much “publicly out.” The way I see it, I spent so much time “in the closet” there is no way I’m going to live my “new” life stashed away in a closet behind some coats, linens, or cleaning supplies!
When I came out as transgender in late 2006, I have to admit that I was not close friends with anyone who openly lived as a member of the queer/LGBTQ+ community. Part of it reflected where I lived at the time: southern Maine. Another part was due to my very male-dominated career as a mechanical engineer. Further, as a dad to school-age sons and a husband at that point, I ran in very different circles from most LGBTQ+ folks who likely lived along the southern Maine seacoast.
Today, I have many friends in the LGBTQ+ community, people I love, feel truly blessed to have in my life. These people truly have my back and I am grateful for it every day. I am always sure to return the favor.
One of the most interesting things about these queer friends of mine: They are some of the most ordinary, least “queer” by the definition of the word I first learned in school, pre-Archie Bunker.
Well, actually, no, these folks are not ordinary, they are extraordinary! They, like me, may be technically queer per the second listed definition in the Oxford English Dictionary, but there is nothing unusually queer, per the first listed definition, about us. (I challenge you: Look both definitions up!) We “queers” are just living our lives, going to work, decorating our homes, raising kids, being dedicated partners and spouses. We are not the threat to society that Archie Bunker and many real-life, like-minded people, including more than a few GOP presidential candidates, believe us to be.
In my work as a mental health counselor on the psych ward of a local hospital, I am open about my status as a transgender woman. By telling patients this, I feel like it gets the elephant out of the room. They certainly don’t need to know everything about me, but I am proud of who I am as I worked hard to get here. Also, I want people to feel comfortable around me and other LGBTQ+ folks.
In my experience, I feel my patients have related well to me — I can’t think of any that were freaked out by my status. I am real, honest, funny (or at least try to be) and well, perhaps a bit offbeat, but none of that has been an issue with these people. Plus, patients who happen to identify as LGBTQ+ know they have an advocate in me on staff.
Frankly, I am very open outside if my trans status comes up or is in question because I’m out to change the world’s attitudes about LGBTQ+ people for the better, one person at a time.
Mariel Addis is a native of Florence. She left the area for 16 years but returned in 2013.