As if you couldn’t tell from my previous satires, I belong to no organized political party, I’m a Democrat. I’ve only voted for one Republican in my life and he was Bill Weld who was a RINO (Republican In Name Only) and I have never given any politician any money ever (it only encourages them) and frankly, I need it more than they do.
But I’m sending a check to Ken Paxton in Texas tonight! And all Democrats who fear for the future of our once great country should help him win the run-off for the Republican nomination for Senate because Donald Trump’s crazy nominee picks always lose in the end. Just think, if Ken is the MAGA nominee and loses that could flip the Senate. That means no more SOCUTS judges for Trump, no more Big Beautiful Bills and no more rubber stamp approvals of incompetent appointments. Trump’s going to feel very lonely in cabinet meetings, when he’s awake. That would truly be a happy day for democracy, but a sad day for satirists. BTW, I read that Trump is going to pay $2.5 billion to two companies not to build a wind farm. I wish Trump would pay me $2.5 billion not to build a wind farm. Actually I’d take $1 billion in cash. But I digress.
Trump lovers know that Ken Paxton and Trump have a lot in common. They’re both very stable geniuses with big egos, they’ve both committed adultery, they were each impeached and accused of felonies (to his credit, Ken settled while Trump was convicted, but only on 34 counts) and although they sometimes share criminal defense attorneys (they always use protection, so don’t worry) one difference is that the Ken actually pays his lawyers. But I digress, again.
Call your MAGA friends in Texas and get them to vote for Ken Paxton at least once. But Ken needs more than your thoughts and prayers. Campaigns cost big money and in this case I doubt Mexico will pay for it. We Dems need to help every one of Trumps crazy mega-MAGA nominees to win the primaries and lose the general election. Ken Paxton, you’re our only hope.
So don’t delay, send your check to the wacko from Waco today. But I don’t think much of his campaign slogans, one of which is: “We won’t bend a knee” so everyone with arthritis can relate to him. I’m proposing he repurpose these slogans from past presidential primaries such as: Paxton’s the one! Ken Paxton, now more than ever! In your heart, you know Ken’s right! Tippecanoe and Paxton too. No Paxton left behind! He’s a kinder, gentler Paxton, a NEW PAXTON for a brighter (whiter) America. Is Ken Paxton better off then he was four years ago? Ask not what Ken Paxton can do for you… A Paxton in every pot! Only Ken can fix it! He’s making us proud boys again. It’s Ken Paxton, stupid! Ken Paxton now, Ken Paxton tomorrow and Ken Paxton forever! Here comes Ken to kill me (that’s from the movie “A fish Called Wanda” but it’s still very appropriate) and Make Ken Paxton grate again, again.
If he wins the general election it’ll be mourning in Amerika, because Ken is crown prince of the crazy nut jobs. The truth is that he makes Marjorie Taylor Greene (now the conscience of the Republican Party, it was an open position) look like a rational person in comparison. But he doesn’t stand a chance of winning in the general election, so don’t worry. Of course that’s what I said about Trump…
Andy Morris-Friedman lives in Hadley.