Many of us have experienced the unpleasant surprise of discovering we have less money in our bank accounts than we expected. Somehow, we made more withdrawals than deposits. Never fun. Always stressful.
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman uses “emotional bank accounts” as a metaphor to describe our relationships. Just like a financial account, relationships thrive when there are more “deposits” than “withdrawals.” When we consistently make “deposits” into our relationship through our everyday interactions, trust grows, closeness deepens and the relationship becomes stronger. The good news is that many of these “deposits” take only seconds.
Deposits
Deposits to our relationship’s emotional bank account are the everyday moments that communicate love, care, appreciation, respect and emotional safety. They send the message: “You matter to me.”
Regularly saying things such as “Thank you,” “Tell me about your day” or “I was thinking about how much I love you today” can go a long way toward building reserves of trust and goodwill in your relationship.
Making eye contact while your partner is speaking communicates interest, presence and respect. It sends the message: “I care about what you want to tell me. You are important to me.”
Putting your phone down when spending time together gives your partner your undivided attention and says: “I value this time with you.”
Remembering something important that your partner has coming up (a doctor’s appointment, an interview, etc.) and checking in afterward demonstrates genuine care and interest.
Expressing appreciation for the ordinary things that we often take for granted can have a powerful impact: “Thank you for making dinner,” “I really appreciated your hug today” or “I feel so heard after our conversation.”
Contrary to what many people think, strong relationships are rarely built through grand romantic gestures. More often, they are built through countless small moments of kindness, appreciation, attention and repair, repeated day after day.
Even working through conflict in a relationship can become a “deposit.” A respectful dialogue when there is disagreement, where each partner feels heard, understood, and valued, often creates greater understanding and can bring couples even closer together. This is one of the most important things many people don’t realize. Conflict is often avoided because people fear it will damage the relationship. Yet, when partners approach difficult conversations with honesty, respect and a genuine desire to understand one another, these conversations often strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it. Ironically, some of the deepest moments of connection occur not by avoiding conflict, but by moving through it well.
Withdrawals
“Withdrawals” from our relationship’s emotional bank account may include criticism, contempt, blaming, defensiveness, ignoring, sarcasm, broken promises, harsh words and taking one another for granted. Even more subtle forms of distancing, or “taking” more than giving within a relationship, can deplete the reserves of our emotional bank accounts.
Every relationship experiences occasional “withdrawals.” When emotional bank accounts are full, partners are much more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt. A forgotten errand or a short-tempered response is seen as just a bad moment rather than evidence that one is not cared about or that the relationship is in trouble. The relationship has enough emotional reserves to absorb occasional disappointments and moments of disconnection.
But when “withdrawals” consistently exceed “deposits,” the emotional bank account becomes overdrawn. Small disappointments no longer feel small. A forgotten errand, a distracted response, or a missed text can feel like confirmation of a much deeper fear or belief: “I’m not important,” “I’m alone” or “This relationship isn’t safe.” Partners become more sensitive because there are too few positive experiences to balance out the negative ones.
I see this as one of the most common patterns couples fall into. When emotional reserves are low, people become less generous in how they interpret one another’s behavior. Instead of assuming good intentions, they begin assuming the worst. Conversations become filtered through accumulated hurt and mistrust rather than goodwill. Defensiveness grows, patience shrinks and even neutral interactions can be experienced as criticism or rejection.
Over time, the emotional climate of the relationship changes. Affection becomes less frequent. Partners stop sharing the small details of their day. They are less likely to laugh together, reach for one another or offer encouragement. Physical intimacy may also become less frequent, or sex may be avoided altogether. Emotional distance grows, not because of one dramatic event, but because too few “deposits” have been made to sustain closeness.
When emotional deposits become scarce, couples often become more reactive. They criticize instead of expressing a need, become defensive instead of curious or withdraw instead of staying engaged. These reactions create even more “withdrawals,” making it harder to rebuild trust and connection. The good news is that this cycle can be reversed. Small, consistent deposits gradually rebuild trust, restore goodwill and help partners find their way back to one another.
A relationship can heal
An overdrawn emotional bank account does not necessarily mean a couple has permanently fallen out of love, is incompatible or that the relationship is beyond repair. More often, it means they have stopped consistently investing in one another and have unknowingly slipped into patterns that keep them stuck. Just as the account became depleted over time, it can also be replenished through many small, intentional deposits of kindness, appreciation, attention and repair.
Reflection
Consider the emotional bank account within your own relationship. What deposits have you made lately? What withdrawals? What small deposit could you make today?
Every interaction with your partner is an opportunity to make either a deposit or a withdrawal. Most deposits take only seconds, yet over time they shape the emotional climate of a relationship. Small moments, repeated day after day, have the power to strengthen trust, deepen connection and build a relationship that can weather any inevitable hurts and misunderstandings that arise between partners. A healthy, loving relationship also provides strength and support as couples face life’s inevitable challenges together.
Today is another opportunity to strengthen your relationship, one small deposit at a time. What’s one small deposit you can make today? I’m cheering you on!
Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information, visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.