President Trump’s latest exciting adventure is foiling yet another assassination attempt, this time from Iran, by skulking out of Air force One in a catering truck and secretly boarding another plane while several staffers and the press were pressed into being unwitting decoys on the old Air Force One.
The truth is that Trump was kind of hoping that Iran would succeed. First, he could finally get to use the new 747 gifted to him from the Qatari royal family but that the “deep state” won’t let him use because “it isn’t safe.” What’s the point of getting a free 747 if you can’t use it? Besides Trump hates that crummy old plane that Obama used and wanted it to get shot down rather than his new shiny one. It’s not a bribe, by the way, giving the president an airplane, by the legal definition because a “bribe” is a secret payment that causes a politician to make decisions that hurt the public good. But with Trump it doesn’t matter if you bribe him or not, it won’t have the least affect on his decision-making process. He always decides to help himself and doesn’t care if it hurts the country. Also he doesn’t do it in secret but out in the open so there’s no cover-up. As the MAGAs say, “He’s corrupt, but at least he’s honest about it.” But I digress.
Second, a lot of the White House press core would have gone down in flames. He would have loved seeing the enemy of the people get what he says they deserve. Most importantly once all those staffers and the press core had been taken out, Trump would have his excuse to declare martial law, cancel the mid-terms and remain president forever or even longer. Easy peasy! It’s right out of the fascist play book. But don’t worry, I’m sure that something just as good will come up eventually.
The truth is Trump is not the first president to sneak away from danger. Bill Clinton once pulled the old switcheroo flying into Pakistan in 2000. Abraham Lincoln snuck into Baltimore in disguise in fear of his being assassinated. That time he escaped unharmed, but (spoiler alert) they did eventually get him. Lincoln’s detractors published drawings of him as a cowered, dressed as a woman to confuse the killers, our first cross-dressing president. Probably it’s not true and no one has ever accused Trump of dressing like a woman, until now. But I digress again.
Pundits are pondering, “What does this all mean?” It means that Trump only cares about himself. Remember, it’s all about him stupid. The Iranians can kill you, he doesn’t care, as long as he can make money off of it. Soon you’ll be able to buy T-shirts with a picture of him sneaking off old Air Force One, soon to be renamed “Decoy One.” You can’t make this stuff up. At least I can’t. With stunts like this Trump moves beyond self-satire to self-parody and beyond! Even as a professional satirist I can barely keep up.
The person I feel sorry for is Marco Rubio. Poor little Marco, Trump left him on the decoy plane thinking it was going to be shot down. That’s rough. I’d love to see a list of those staffers who work for Trump, but were left on Decoy One. I guess from now on there’s an easy way to tell if you’re still “in” with the president. If you’re “on the plane” you’re off the team.
Andy Morris-Friedman lives in Hadley.