In my last column, I highlighted how emotional intelligence is a strong determinant of the success and flourishing of partnerships and marriages, as well as friendships, work and family relationships. Briefly, I defined emotional intelligence as comprising these three parts:

Being able to:

1) Connect with one’s inner world: Let yourself feel, accept, understand, and manage your own emotions (without an inner critic minimizing, judging, or criticizing them).

2) Communicate what it is that you are feeling to another person.

3) Hear and understand what the other person is feeling, with genuine interest and empathy (again, without minimizing, judging or criticizing).

Much of my role in couples coaching involves helping partners truly listen to and respond to each other’s feelings without reacting destructively, as in feeling offended, being accusatory, launching verbal attacks, or getting defensive. In my experience, couples find accepting each other’s feelings (which is such a large part of emotional intelligence) to be so powerful that it transforms their relationship from struggling to flourishing.

Every one of us can grow in emotional intelligence. To get a sense of where you are in this area, see how many of the following qualities of emotional intelligence you can relate to:

■I think having emotions and recognizing them is useful in my life.

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■I can tell the important people in my life my true feelings, including when I’m fearful, hurt, sad, jealous or anxious.

■I respect what other people feel, even though I might not feel the same way in a similar situation.

■I’m aware of sensations in my body when I’m starting to feel angry.

■I take care of myself when I’m starting to feel angry by taking a break, so I can avoid my anger taking over, and saying or doing something I might regret.

■When making decisions, I take my feelings into consideration.

■I easily offer empathy to others.

■I pick up on non-verbal cues like facial expressions in others and get a sense of what feelings they might be having.

■I understand the reasons for my feelings most of the time.

■I recognize my emotions as I experience them.

■I can tell if someone is unhappy with me.

■I don’t “fly off the handle” at other people.

■I don’t tell someone not to feel the way they do.

■People find it easy to talk to me about their feelings.

■I am accepting of all of my feelings.

■I understand myself and have insights into my feelings, needs and behaviors.

■I am sensitive to the feelings, needs, and sufferings of others.

■I am not evasive or vague. I can be direct with others.

■Instead of feeling numb much of the time, I am aware of my different feelings at different times.

■I think that when partners share their feelings in honest and respectful ways, this can build healthy trust and communication.

Regardless of how the above assessment turned out for you, we all have the opportunity to grow our capacity for emotional intelligence. Here are some things you can do to help you move in that direction:

Having feelings is an innate part of being human, and we never outgrow having them throughout our lives. Infants, toddlers, children, adolescents, young adults, adults and older people all experience feelings. Since they are going to be there no matter what, we might as well be on good terms with them!

Many of us have heard about the importance of “being in touch with our feelings.” This is so true. Ignoring any feelings, trying to push them down or rationalizing them away will never serve us or our relationships. Not feeling friendly towards them and therefore not paying attention to how we feel is really rejecting an essential part of our existence. Taking a step in being friendly towards whatever feelings are arising in us from time to time and just allowing them is a big step in developing more emotional intelligence.

We all have a need to be seen, heard and understood. When we share our inner world of feelings with people that we can trust, this automatically breaks isolation and creates connection and healthy bonds between us.

Feel free to stretch yourself and reveal some feelings to someone who is accepting, nonjudgmental and is able to truly listen. You could take a risk with your partner, friend or family member and share a vulnerable feeling (such as sadness, fear, or hurt) you have been sitting with. If there is no one you know that you believe you can trust, meeting with a therapist could be a positive step for you.

When your partner or someone significant in your life lets you know they are having “negative” feelings about something you have said or done, this is your opportunity to keep in mind and practice emotional intelligence. Your main job here is to stay calm and avoid knee-jerk reactions such as getting defensive, making them “wrong,” changing the subject, or starting to complain about them. Give them your total attention so you can fully understand what they are experiencing. The main point here is to let them feel safe in revealing what’s going on for them. It could be very helpful at this point to let them know what you are hearing them say so you can assure them that you do indeed understand what they are feeling. You can say, for example, “What I hear you saying is...”

In closing, I’m cheering you on to engage in a bit of self-inquiry to shed some light on where you stand with your own emotional intelligence at this time. Like myself, along with everyone reading this column, and everyone everywhere, we can always keep growing!

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with NonViolent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.