Is chivalry partially dead in the Pioneer Valley? Perhaps not. As a woman who has lived and worked here for many years there are some things I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older.
One pertains to men opening doors for women. Years back when I was in my 20s and 30s I would open doors for myself if a man was around. Perhaps I wanted to assert my independence. Now that I’m past the age of 50 I’ve had more practice allowing others to open doors for me.
It’s much easier to allow someone to open a heavy door. I recently had dinner at Zen in Hamp with a man and when we got to the entrance, where there are two doors, I stopped in front of the first one.
He teased me and asked, “What? You don’t open doors?” as he proceeded to open the first door for me.
I answered, “Why should I? You’re here.” He smiled and gave me a look as he opened the second.
The two of us have butted heads about some of the remarks I make about men and women, especially men. At times I have a tendency to overgeneralize about men and clump them together as if they are all the same, doing things that make a woman occasionally roll her eyes.
He makes a good point. He’s highly intelligent, has a great vocabulary and a good sense of humor. I know it irks him when I make a remark that he views as sexist. Sometimes I say things just to tease him. I have many female friends and many of them would agree with remarks that I have shared with him. I also assume that many men notice things about women that they make generalizations about as well.
When I was younger men did not open doors frequently for me.
Did a man question that I might take offense at allowing him to open or hold a door for me, as if I was incapable or not strong enough to do this for myself?
Now that I have a lot more confidence I don’t need to prove my independence or resiliency to anyone. It’s easier to encourage people to do nice things for me, and that includes letting someone open a door.
Having worked downtown as a city employee for many years I see people out and about, running errands. So many people of all ages have good manners, both men and women, and they open doors for me.
I am a petite woman, weighing under a hundred pounds and not quite five feet tall. My height is comparable to that of many sixth-grade girls.
Perhaps doors are opened for me because of my size and not so much because of my age. The doors probably weigh more than I do. Maybe some men see me as small and in need of help, even if I am not carrying bags or packages.
For years, many college students have opened the front door at Thornes Marketplace for me.
The men older than college age almost always open it. Sometimes men don’t see me walking behind them, and even after they’ve opened the door for themselves, have stepped back and held it for me when they notice me.
I always thank them and smile. Good manners is the art of making the most people comfortable, someone once said, so a thank you is always necessary. Spreading a little kindness throughout the day will bring a smile to one’s face.
Doing something thoughtful for another person can give you an emotional boost and perhaps your heart will feel lighter.
I taught at Bridge Street School for many years and encouraged my students to open doors for older people and women. If we entered the classroom and I wasn’t in a hurry, I’d ask someone to hold the door for me.
Occasionally one of my students would cut in front of me and the door would close. I would call that child back out to the hall and we we’d practice opening the door. If no one cut me off I wouldn’t open it but wait for the child behind me to do it. They learned.
There were many times where one of the boys or girls would say to the student closest to the door, “Open the door for Mrs. Cooper.” The door would open and I’d thank that child profusely. I also stressed that it was good manners to open doors for moms and grandmothers. Grandmothers are impressed by good manners and are wonderful at spoiling grandchildren and showering them with gifts. Mothers, on the other hand, tend not to be as good at spoiling their children. Many moms seem to have different agendas and are more business, spending time keeping tabs on their offspring and managing 50 million things at a time, or so it seemed to me when I raised my two sons.
Nevertheless, moms still are impressed by good manners.
Years ago I wanted to be independent and open doors for myself.
That changed as time passed. I still open doors for others: young children, mothers with strollers, and older people who move slowly and don’t appear to be very active and spry. I’m still quite independent but allow others to open doors for me.
Is opening a door for a woman a sign of chivalry from ages past, or is it merely a sign of good manners and paying attention to those that share the same space as we do?
I see it as a sign that some parent, grandparent, teacher, or significant other with good manners set an example to open doors for a woman, or an older person, male or female.
No doubt some school-age boy or girl watched an adult open a door for someone’s mom or loved one many times, modeling polite behavior.
This is the perfect way to teach a child how to open a door for someone older, like me, and countless others that appreciate good manners when they see them.
Lynn K. Cooper lives in Westhampton.