I’ve had a hard time telling the world about it because I was raised to be modest. For years, I lowered my eyes and muttered, “I’ve never won anything.” People are complicated and cannot be divided into two categories, I told myself. But as of this week, I no longer have to apologize. I can freely tell the world that I am a winner.
You’re skeptical. So many people claim to be winners these days, so here’s another, you’re thinking. But you’d be wrong, just as losers are wrong about everything from used cars to making money. So I’ll say it again — I am (ahem!) a winner.
I first realized I was a winner at an early age. I entered a contest at a local bike store. First prize was a 10-speed, red, with gears in all the right places. Taped handle bars. Reflectors. Cherry. I entered. I won — 25th prize! I got a book bag with the name of the bike store on it. In big letters. There were 50 of us 25th prize winners and I don’t have to wonder whatever happened to them. We have a Facebook page. We winners know who we are.
My next win was the biggest in my long history of winning. In eighth grade, I won the school spelling bee. Yes, yes, I know I shouldn’t brag, but there it is. I often wonder what happened to the runner-up, that poor girl who, having an actual social life like most losers, lacked the time to memorize the trick in diphtheria. Pathetic life, I’m guessing.
When I come right out and say I’m a winner, I’m not just being partisan. I’m defining a dream that is as American as the Kentucky Derby, the World Series, the Super Bowl, the U.S. Open, the Masters, the Preakness, the Belmont, the Stanley Cup, the NBA Finals, the Pillsbury Bake-Off, your local chili contest, about 375 other competitions, and the annual Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan’s on Coney Island.
We Americans are winners because we compete at everything. Historians tell us that back in the 19th century, whenever two steamboats pulled alongside each other, passengers would goad the pilots into racing. Just got to win, got to win, even if the boiler — or your heart — explodes and turns everyone into losers. Got to win because you know what they say about people who don’t. Perhaps you’ve heard the word whispered behind your back. Not me.
This nation of winners manifests itself in so many amazing ways. I have no doubt that brain surgeons, when no one is looking, snap selfies next to some perfectly incised frontal lobe, then compare them for bragging rites. I know there are preachers who put notch marks on their Bibles for each soul saved, trying to get one up on the clergy in some nearby Losertown. I’ve even seen the Red Sox try to win.
For the record, the last thing I won was $70 on a KENO ticket in Vegas. It’s been 30 years now but the thrill of victory has not faded. And that’s why I’m happy to announce that as of this week, any lightweight American loser can end his (all you losers would add “or her”) lifelong losing streak. Being a winner now is easy. Four simple steps:
1. Work yourself into a blinding rage over your latest losses;
2. Find the richest man in the world who is not giving a dime away, like all those pathetic loser billionaires;
3. Label everyone who doesn’t agree with you a moron or a loser or a liar;
4. Hop on the bandwagon and postpone all your losses from now to November.
Yes, we are winners and anyone who disagrees is a loser, a liar, a lightweight. A HUGE one. Who has probably been to China. You won’t find me in that crowd. I have a book bag. And a Facebook page. And come November, I can get you a good deal on a used dream.
Bruce Watson can be reached at breadandroses22@yahoo.com.