So, it’s come to this.
We are now on the verge of driverless
cars. Already being tested, these hi-tech vehicles have built-in sensors that accelerate, brake, steer, and, if you buy the Boston model, flash other drivers the finger for the slightest reason.
Remember when you couldn’t wait to get behind the wheel? When a driver’s license was a passport to adulthood? When you didn’t have to be Jack Kerouac to go “On the Road?” So what’s with driverless cars? Has America lost its love affair with driving? Where’s the good old American spirit of gas guzzling, driving all night, pedal to the metal?
No matter how cheap or safe they get, I’m not buying a driverless car. However, if our tech wizards can make a complex machine like a car run without a driver, how about …
Self-mowing lawns. Soon to be tested (once I get on the phone to Google), GoogleLawnmower will automatically size up your lawn, fill itself with gas, power up and mow down row after row after row of self-growing, self-watering grass. All you do is open the garage and download the app. And once lawns are self-mowing, why not …
Self-shopping groceries. Just download your grocery list onto GoogleGrub and click on “SHOP TIL YOU DROP!” Within seconds, every last item will appear not just at your door but in your refrigerator and on your shelves. There are glitches, however. No matter how hard software engineers try, GoogleGrub keeps forgetting the mustard.
Self-cleaning ovens. Oh wait, we already have one. But we don’t have …
Self-supporting kids. The future looks bright for parents thanks to these state-of-the-art, self-supporting kids who, from the tender age of 7, earn their own keep, do their own homework, pay for their own college and support the old folks in their old age. But let’s think outside the home. How about …
Dentist-free tooth care. Why visit your dentist twice a year when GoogleTeeth will clean themselves, fill their own cavities and do their own root canals?
Face it, America. We’re getting dumber while our machines get smarter. And whether we like it or not, technology is taking over.
One day you buy a smart phone. The next day you stare into it for seven hours. Soon, just like 71 percent of Americans, you’re sleeping with it (10 percent sleep with phone in hand). And it won’t be long before you discover there’s an app for everything — cooking, cleaning, chewing, complaining (see Complaints Box 2.0). Is there any end to smart technology? I hope not, at least not until they develop …
Self-walking dogs. My dog, Jackson, may not agree, but I could sure use a self-walking pooch. First thing every morning, while I’m still asleep, my GoogleDog will grab his leash, let himself out, do his business out back, then sniff out a prescribed path through the neighborhood while I roll over again.
And I think about now, we’re all ready for self-funded campaigns. How long before a candidate simply files papers and from then on, bankrolls his (or her) own damn run for office, while I self-ignore the whole thing?
Finally, I don’t want Google to rest until it creates the one device I would trade all of the above for, and of course I’m talking about …
Self-destructing TVs. Call me lazy but I just get so tired of trudging to the garage, finding the ol’ Louisville Slugger, then taking a few practice swings, all to give my TV that feel-good THWACK it deserves more and more lately.
And that’s why, though I will never buy a driverless car, I’d be the first to get GoogleWasteland. One click of the DESTRUCT button and BOOM. Sweet silence.
Bruce Watson can be reached at breadandroses22@yahoo.com.