With Puerto Rico flattened by Hurricane Maria, the president has a PR crisis in more ways than one. Now that he has tweeted insults to the island, thrown paper towels to the masses, and insisted that “aid won’t last forever,” how can the White House rise above this latest disgrace?
I believe the answer is Spanish, and I’m here to use my own shaky command of the language to help. Below are some tweets the president should post, day by day, to make amends. Since the only Spanish words he knows are “Mar” and “Lago,” I have felt free to put words in his mouth. So that he won’t “go rogue,” I won’t send him the translations. None of his aides know any more Spanish than “salsa” and “chiquita” so there should be no problem.
With apologies to native speakers for my own Spanish, here goes. Vamos.
Buenos dias, Puerto Rico! Yo debo el pueblo puertorriqueno un grandisculpa.
(Good morning, Puerto Rico! I owe all of you a yuu-ge apology.)
Como todo el mundo ya sabe, a veces soy un idiota.
(As the whole world now knows, sometimes I’m an idiot.)
Bueno, casisiempre.
(Well, most of the time, really.)
Estabamuyborrachocuandohiceesos tweets.
(I was really drunk when I made those tweets.)
Y Melaniaestabaenojada.
(And Melania was having a hissy fit.)
Veia, hasta la semanapasada no sabia que ustedes son ciudadanosAmericanos. Como lo hicieron?
(See, I didn’t know you folks were American citizens until a week ago. How’d you pull that one off?)
Pensabapor un tiempo que podriaconstruir una pared alrededor Puerto Rico.
(I thought for a while maybe I could build a wall around Puerto Rico.)
Pero el pared Mexicano no es exactamente un granexitotodavia.
(But the Mexican wall isn’t exactly a yu-uge success so far.)
El Congresotiene la culpa paraestafracaso. Losers!
(Blame Congress for that debacle. Losers!)
Poreso, he decididoayudartodo la gente de la isla, sobretodolaschicas.
(So I’ve decided to help everyone on the island, especially the hot women.)
Entonces, dondeempezamos? Necessitancomida? Agua? Papelhygenico? Tengotodo a Mar-a-Lago.
(So where do we begin? You need food? Water? Toilet paper? I got all that at Mar-a-Lago.)
Porque lo sientomucho. De veras. No queriaponermepresidente. Jamas.
(Because I really am sorry. Really. I never wanted to be president. Never.)
Lo hicetodo la campagna solo paraaumentar mi “brand.”
(I just did all this to boost my brand.)
Y tengo que decirles que no tengo la menor idea lo que deberiahacer.
(And I have to tell you that I don’t have a clue what I should do here.)
La historia va a concludir que yo soy el presidente Americano mas tonto.
(History will conclude that I am the stupidest American president ever.)
Aunpeor que W.
(Even worse than W.)
Totalmentefuera mi ligaaqui.
(Totally out of my league here.)
Asi que, no se enjojanconmigo.
(So don’t be mad at me.)
Soy el presidente – todavia no lo creo yo mismo.
(I’m the president — I still can’t believe it myself.)
Pero a veces soy un payaso total.
(But sometimes I’m a total clown.)
Bueno, siempre.
(Well, all the time, really.)
Aqui hay papelhygenico.
(Here’s some toilet paper.)
Esperate. No hay. Lo enviamostodo a Houston. Tal vez, manana.
(Oh wait. We’re out of it. We sent it all to Houston. Tomorrow, maybe.)
Adios, Puerto Rico. Vaya con Diosporquecomotodo el mundo ya sabe …
(Goodbye, Puerto Rico. Go with God because as the whole world knows …)
No tengo nada.
(I got nothin’.)
Bruce Watson, of Montague, is the author of the online magazine, The Attic — for a Kinder, Cooler America.