Perhaps, the only thing on which Americans reach a consensus is that the level of public discourse is an embarrassment.
Across the political spectrum, we agree that conversation has become crude, full of both anger and insults. Everyone has a theory as to why we have sunk so low and everyone points their fingers at “the other side.”
But, it is not just civic or political conversation that has degenerated. Personal exchanges have as well. A favorable comment from a friend on any thing from a shampoo to a vegetable to an actor can leave the listener harrumphing.
As I thought about this subject, what struck me were a single word and two phrases. The word is “brand,” and the phrases are, “Let’s agree to disagree,” and “With all due respect.”
If you think the phrases are polite, hear me out. I have to begin with brand.
The last time I remember a single word, popularly used to describe an attribute, it was “survivor.” It may have come from Gloria Gaynor’s 1978 disco hit, “I Will Survive,” and it did not refer to health and mobility regained after cancer or an accident. It was a compliment. It meant that a person had strength or ingenuity or adaptability or intelligence or persistence.
But brand is another case all together. Originating in English’s German roots, brand meant to burn, as in the marking of cattle, which was practiced by Egyptians 4,000 years ago. A brand declared ownership.
When the Romans brought about the first edition of globalism, they also pioneered brand identity. Roman goods carried brands, such as Umbricius Scaurus’ garum (fish sauce), which he guaranteed was the “flower of mackerel.” Much later, in the 19th century, as the mass manufacturing of goods called for ways to identify who made what, brands appeared everywhere.
Now, we hear of individuals protecting their brands. Really? For a human being to say s/he has a brand makes me uncomfortable. It says you are for sale.
While I may have missed the words promoting positive traits between survivor then and brand today, Gaynor sang about being able to say no to an abusive person through her fictional self. In other words, having strength of character. Protecting your brand sounds like the absence of character.
Now, for the phrases. On the surface, there seems to be nothing wrong with saying “Let’s agree to disagree.” But, aren’t there softer, less aggressive ways to end an argument or to stop a conversation that has become uncomfortable or annoying?
Wouldn’t “Maybe we should discuss this later” sound less aggressive? Or why not, “I need a little time to think about this”? “Let’s take a walk” or “Let’s grab a bite to eat” sound more conciliatory. Even, “I’m not comfortable with this conversation. Are you?”
An offer to talk at another time or to explain what makes you uncomfortable is more respectful and may even save the relationship, or, it could promote real listening and a helpful exchange of ideas.
“Let’s agree to disagree” sounds like, “I am taking control.” Worse, it sounds like, “I’ve got my fingers in my ears and I am not listening.” I tried testing the phrase a few times, both in work and personal situations. I was never angry when I said it but, each time, the listeners’ faces darkened and they drew in their breath sharply. One person even walked out. While I only tried it four or five times, I knew better than to continue the experiment.
As threatening as “Let’s agree to disagree” sounds to me — and, as my limited experiment shows, to others — the phrase “With all due respect” is worse. It’s verbal spitting in the listener’s face. It falls on my ears as an insult.
It doesn’t sound like, “I find your ideas challenging,” nor, “I think you’ve thought about this for some time but you missed the fact that …” It sounds like, “I think you’re a total fool.”
I have told people who use “With all due respect” how the phrase strikes me. They’ve answered that if they didn’t respect me or my position, they wouldn’t have used those words. The problem is context. I cannot think of a time when it was used for a slight disagreement or in conversations about trivial matters. Generally, it was used during heated discussions.
I lose my temper online, particularly when the subject is politics. I lose my temper when someone misreads what I write or mishears what I say.
On the other hand, I have hurt myself by not speaking up. The problem is words can and do hurt. We’re facing problems that may not be solved in our lifetimes.
In the meantime, we can all take time to think not just about what we say, but how we say it. I’m not suggesting we resurrect Emily Post, nor that we should stop defending what we think is right.
I am not even pleading for what some call political correctness, which, I feel, never existed.
Instead, I think we can all benefit from a vocabulary review which puts us in the best light and which may put our points across effectively.
Susan Wozniak, of Easthampton, is a retired journalist and writing professor who writes a monthly column. She can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.