I very much appreciated the story about raising boys by Lauren Gottschalk-Scher in Hampshire Life, Oct. 12. It was evident that the woman sharing her parenting story is devoted to her sons and to raising them to be appreciative and respectful of … everyone. In these days of acute upheaval to our social order, with a need to take a stand about almost everything, it was good to see her three sons being instructed in empathy and compassion. Both are needed more than ever.
What I felt was missing in a story about the challenges of parenting boys was a father’s story.
There are definitely many single moms raising innumerable boys to the best of their abilities with love, affection and dedication. When there is a story about raising boys with no mention of the role that men need to play, I am concerned that not only is the impression left that this is largely women’s work, but there is also the implication that men are neither skillful nor essential as parents. I do not believe that there was any intention to convey these messages. Rather, I see the omission of men in a discussion of raising boys as the all too often default position of many in the media and, in this case, of the Gazette.
The story was written with abiding commitment to be the best mother possible with much self-awareness, awareness of her sons and delightful humor. I would have greatly appreciated a similar first-person account from a dad. There are so many fully engaged fathers in the Valley, and I am very pleased that the Gazette has a monthly fatherhood column penned by John Engel who epitomizes what I am referring to when I stress the role of fathers.
I want to see dads being counted on to model respectful behavior towards girls and women starting with their partner if they are in such a relationship and to embody engagement in their sons’ lives. That is what will be required for there to be the kind of change we want for our children and grandchildren. I wrote a book recently about the role that men’s and women’s support groups can have in enhancing lives including aiding parents to be their best selves. I emphasized the ways in which enlarging men’s emotional toolbox can benefit their nurturing qualities, much like Ms. Gottschalk-Scher is doing with her young sons. The big idea being highlighted by this aspect of the book was in support of Dorothy Dinnerstein’s words from her classic book about gender roles, “The Mermaid and the Minotaur”: “Until men nurture children, there will always be war.” In other words, the impact of fathering should and could be immense — for our world.
So that’s why I want to see men being included in cover stories like the one in Hampshire Life, because they need to play a central role in having their sons — and their daughters — see fathers as nurturing, respectful, empathetic, compassionate and fun-loving. It’s not that mothers don’t deserve the same affirmations, it’s just that their nurturing capacity is already well-known and encouraged. Men are still playing catch-up and need all the support our society can offer. With the president we have as a negative role model, let’s accentuate the contributions of those men who are displaying deep devotion to their children, to women and to themselves.
Tom Weiner
Northampton