I’m an outreach specialist for the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, which means I travel throughout New England helping veterans and the general public understand a complex and frequently misunderstood system of benefits and programs.
I also get asked a lot about my own military service, and so over the course of many a conversation, I will get the curious mother or father who will ask if their son or daughter should join the military.
Not knowing anything about their background or what they already know about military service, I usually start with a joke or something light for starters.
“Ever hear of Djibouti?” I’ll ask. “Ja-what?” they’ll respond.
Djibouti is a nation in East Africa, and the site of an American military base and a critical location in the fight against terrorism. It’s one of several places around the world — some great, some not so great — that your kid could be sent to and asked to live and survive in, amid some pretty harsh conditions.
Then I ask: “Can they arrive 15 minutes prior to 15 minutes on time?”
Sometimes, I get a laugh. Sometimes, I get a response, like Johnny or Suzy can’t even make their bed in the morning, let alone get up to catch the school bus on time.
The military, I tell them, demands discipline. Reporting on time is a basic and important requirement. Not arriving on time is not only “way unsat” — military jargon for something well below required standards — but must be taken with the utmost seriousness because, when at war, it can result in fatal consequences.
Then I throw out some more military slang to see how they react.
“Could your kid embrace the suck?”
“The what?” That question is usually a shock. Most will step back, some will repeat what I just asked, not sure if they want the conversation to continue. Admittedly, it’s a weird thing to ask, so I quickly explain.
“Embracing the suck,” I tell them, is a common phrase in the military. It means there’s a lot that happens that isn’t fun. In fact, much of the experience can be boring, seem pointless or, at times, downright idiotic. Or it can mean days and nights at a time of being exposed to some of the most extreme situations any human being can experience.
How would your kid deal with being in chemical warfare gear in the hot desert all day, sucking down water through a tube? Could they stand at attention for several minutes or longer? Could they go days without sleep or very little sleep? Maybe the water’s too cold or the sun’s too hot.
The response I get can vary, from “my kid would love the challenge” to “hell no.”
Then I get real.
So you asked me a serious question, I say, and so now I will pose to you a very serious question in return. And how you answer it, I explain, will say a lot about whether or not your son or daughter not only can, but more importantly, should serve in our nation’s Armed Forces, the greatest military on the face of the earth.
I say they probably are thinking of their son or daughter in a crisp uniform, saluting smartly, a mature adult coming home for the first time from leave, calling their elders “sir or ma’am.” Maybe they are thinking of money for college or learning a trade. That’s all good, I tell them. There are many great things about the military. Their son or daughter will be a changed person. There is no doubt about that.
Then I pause. I look them in the eye and I ask a series of questions many are not prepared to hear: Could your son or daughter kill another human being? And would they be willing to die for this nation in defense of our Constitution, and most importantly, are they willing to give their own life to save the life or lives of others?
That’s pretty heavy, right?
“Wow,” one mother responded recently. “That’s pretty real.” Yes, I said, it’s real, all right. You and your kid need to know what they’re signing up for because it could get real, real fast.
I missed major milestones of my spouse and kids when I served in the Air Force. I moved my family 11 times. I’ve known veterans who have missed the births of their children during military service. I lost brothers and sisters who I will think about for the rest of my life.
I did some amazing things and I did some tremendously crazy things. Like most veterans, I truly embraced the suck, and most of us would do it all over again.
Sunday is Veterans Day. All across our nation, veterans will observe what it means to serve.
It’s a day for survivors. It honors those who served and lived.
But how will you observe it? In my experience, the vast majority of people who will attend ceremonies held across our region will be veterans or are family members of veterans. They already know what it means to serve. Most everyone else doesn’t.
Veterans come in all different shapes, sizes and backgrounds. We’re a pretty diverse group of people.
But the one singular thing we all have in common is that we’ve all embraced the suck.
By all means, when you see a veteran this weekend, thank them for their service. But if you get a chance, dig a bit deeper and ask them about what they did, where they served and what it was like. I bet you’ll find that service and sacrifice is a package deal.
Should your son or daughter serve our country? The one thing you will learn from speaking with a veteran is that in service, as in life, you’re going to need to accept what’s handed to you — from the unpleasant to the unimaginable — and that we all need to work together to adapt and overcome.
John Paradis deployed several times during his military career, including operations in the Middle East, Bosnia, Iraq and Afghanistan. The retired U.S. Air Force lieutenant colonel lives in Florence and writes a column published the second Friday of the month. He can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.