“I like to stay busy.” This is a refrain that I hear at least once a week from a student who has come in to talk to me. As an academic dean, part of my job is helping students sort through difficulties so they can be successful college students. Many of the students I meet with work a job or two while going to school full time, or they are involved in multiple activities on campus, or they are trying to help family members through challenges or some combination of all of these things.
Recently, a student was in my office who had just experienced the unexpected death of a parent. I was very surprised that this student still planned to finish up the semester with barely a break and without asking for extensions on assignments or finals. When I pushed a bit, the student told me, “I do better when I’m busy.”
This response always brings to mind the question, “What are you not doing for yourself when you are intentionally staying busy?” For the student who lost a parent, I worry that they are not allowing themselves time to grieve. I get this, in a way, it’s hard to let ourselves be sad. In our culture, it’s unpleasant, challenging and even frowned upon to allow ourselves to feel any “negative” emotions. Unfortunately, the strategy of staying busy doesn’t actually work. In the end, we often find our emotions overwhelming us and spoiling all of our hard work towards things that we care about — in the case of my student, it may mean doing poorly in classes next semester.
For this student, as for many of us, being busy is just a way to avoid things that we don’t want to do or feel. I was the same way as a 20-something. I was working three different jobs, and by the time my Sunday night bar shift came around, I was pretty tired. A friend of mine would come in for dinner and a beer and we’d compare who had worked more hours that week. At the time, we thought about it as a badge of honor — whoever worked the most “won.” Now I see this behavior as a way to shield ourselves from paying attention to what is going on in our lives. At the time, I was disappointed to not be doing something more professional with my life, but since I was so busy, I didn’t have time to do anything about that.
This need to be busy is not limited to 20-somethings. Think of how often you bump into a friend you haven’t seen in a while and their response when you ask how they are doing is, “I’ve been so busy!” I know that I say this all the time. I work full time, I have kids and a spouse, I serve on boards and committees, I write this monthly column. Even though I recognize that being busy is a way to avoid things, I’m still doing it.
I don’t know about you, but I am tired of being busy. Busy brains don’t solve problems as well as quiet ones do. When I’m overly busy, I know I am not giving any one thing enough attention. If I can’t give something the attention it deserves, I probably should not be doing it.
Change leadership expert Gustavo Razzetti suggests that we all learn to say “no” more often and to leave open spaces on our calendars in order to complete meaningful projects. He also recommends building in time between meetings and tasks in order to reflect. Sometimes when I’m at work, I will take what I call a brief “attitude adjustment” walk. The piece of Razzetti’s advice that I like best is the one I am also the worst at — building time into my calendar for things like reading, reflection, writing and learning.
I typically don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but this upcoming year I want to work at being less busy. I want to say no to things that are not on my priority list so that I can spend more time with the people and things that I want to prioritize. I want to make space to experience my emotions honestly, even if I am sad, angry or lonely. I want to do things that are meaningful to me and my community but not at the expense of doing them poorly. I also want to set a good example for my kids so they don’t feel like staying busy is a thing they should value. I know I won’t do this perfectly, but I’m going to keep working at it.
Jackie Brousseau-Pereira, of Easthampton, is the academic dean and director of first-year seminars in the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.