Recently, a parent reached out to ask how to move forward after her daughter’s exposure to some toxic stuff online. Here’s what she wrote:
“Over Christmas break, my daughter was unusually reclusive, holing up in her bedroom for hours at a time. She wasn’t interested in getting together with friends or going on our usual walks. She is 12, does not have a cell phone and needs permission to go online. Right before break however, she had asked if she could use my old cell phone to listen to music. I said yes because I did not think it was connected to the internet. I was wrong.
One night I just felt like something was really off given how she had been behaving, and so I asked her for the phone back. When I looked at the history, I saw she had been going online watching all kinds of ‘tween’ videos on how to attract boys. I am so upset at myself for not figuring this out earlier and for all of the things she got exposed to that I would never have agreed to. And I am so upset at her. I thought I could trust her.”
I can so feel all that is here for you. All of the issues that are playing out over this one moment. Therefore, in order to step forward on this one, let’s break it down into smaller and more manageable parts.
While times like this with our children can be incredibly overwhelming, guilt-inducing and frustrating, these moments contain all of this and more. Therefore, one of the very best practices we can get into as parents is to decide that whatever shows up in life with our children is always an opportunity to get clearer on our role as a parent, with them regarding our values, and what it is that we want most for them and our relationship.
To this end, make the commitment to step back. Let your daughter know that there will be a discussion and consequences to follow, but that right now you need some space and time to think. She may push back on this, but stand firm. You may feel as though you are going to burst with what you are feeling inside, but stand firm. When we can handle difficult moments from a reflective versus a reactive position, we establish ourselves as being the one who is thoughtfully and responsibly in charge. In addition, we offer our children an example of how to be in life when things get difficult.
Once on your own, take the time to be with yourself to catch up with your own feelings. While it is easy to get down on ourselves for not noticing something earlier with our children, you did, in fact, catch it. This is no small feat in the times we are living in. Our children have access now in easy and startling ways to content and images that rob them of their innocence in the blink of an eye. Therefore, these times require a balance of finding ways to protect them within the reality of the world we are living in.
One of the very best ways that we can achieve this balance is by tuning into those feelings and sensations that are telling us that something is off. That very sense that you had that brought you to take the phone away and check it. Even if we do not have the words for it or our rational minds are telling us that there’s nothing wrong, this is in fact, a voice to tune into. We are mammals who sense and feel information regarding our children. This is a vital capacity to recognize and hone as we learn to navigate the compelling and distracting presence of the devices in the life of a human being.
Once you have gotten a sense of your own feelings, spend time considering your child. It is natural that she would be interested in what boys are looking for from girls. And yet, as the adult, we must also come to see the ways that the screen images are distorting this natural impulse and creating the wrong ideas about what it is to be desired. So when you talk with her, let her know how typical it is to be curious in this way at her age. And then leave lots of time and space for her to talk. Ask her what she liked about what she saw. Ask her what she didn’t feel good about. At this age, you cannot go wrong in letting them take the lead in the conversation, while simultaneously holding your position as the grown-up. Through it all, be clear about what it is that you want for her as opposed to making what she saw, or the impulse that took her there, as being something bad or wrong. These are complicated times for our children, and the more we can offer support while normalizing their curiosity, the better. Remembering always, though, that we are the ones in charge, and we get to create house rules that protect them from things that they are too immature and inexperienced to realize they need protection from.
As for the trust that was broken, instead of beginning this part of the conversation by shaming her, ask her what it was like to be doing something that she knew was violating your trust. How it was for her to see you each day knowing that she was lying to you. If you do this, the only way that it will truly be beneficial for your daughter is that you are genuinely curious and compassionate in the asking. This as opposed to a scolding or a “you should have known better” tone. We all make mistakes and break trust with others. Therefore, how can we teach our children that they will be forgiven and given the opportunity to say out loud what it was that got them there. To let them know that we all make mistakes, and that we can learn, and grow from them.
And then there is, of course, the need to offer a reasonable consequence for making a choice that broke your house rules. Again, this is not being done to drive the point into the ground, but to demonstrate that throughout life, there are natural consequences that we can absolutely expect to occur when we behave in certain ways. A consequence here is not about holding a grudge or making her pay for it. Instead, it is a teaching; best taught in a benevolent way. So while it is essential that a line is drawn, you do not have to make her feel bad for it.
Lastly, what would make sense regarding a consequence given how your family does things? What would be a good fit for a 12-year-old who broke your trust with a cell phone? Once you are clear about what makes sense for you here, maybe ask her what she thinks would be reasonable given what she did. Our children, when given the chance, do want to live honorably, and therefore, often have a strong sense of fairness. But are the one who ultimately gets to decide, and so it is imperative that you are clear within yourself before you go to her. Otherwise, you run the risk of giving the wrong message and coming off as ineffective if you then go on to rescind the consequence because they push back. Or because some guilt or worry gets the best of you.
Through it all, be good to both you and your daughter as you move through this process, and you may just come to find that struggles like this turn out to be some of the strongest experiences and opportunities for personal growth and a deepening of our relationship to our children. Who could ask for more when it comes to life with our families?
Susan McNamara is a certified holistic health counselor and holds a masters degree in counseling psychology. As an adjunct professor at Westfield State University, she explores the impact technology has on students’ health and well-being as part of an overall curriculum on stress reduction.
She has facilitated workshops for parents on technology and children at The Hartsbrook School in Hadley and is hosting a free workshop at River Valley Co-Op on March 12th.
To submit a technology-
related parenting conundrum to her, email her at
thefarmatavalon@
hotmail.com.