“Almost all of the fights I have with my teenage son are over his cell phone use. No matter what lines I draw, he crosses them. He tells me I have no right to tell him what to do given how much I am on my own phone. Part of me feels like he’s just using that as an excuse to get me off his back. But maybe he’s right? Either way, I still don’t know what to do.”
Thank you for being willing to put yourself out there like this. These are not easy things to consider given the defensiveness, guilt and shame they can bring up about how we are doing as parents. And yet, denying what is happening only adds to a home life that can feel like a war zone; with parent-child relationships strained, uneasy, and sometimes even hostile. The fact that you are even willing to consider if your own use is part of the problem is not only brave, it is the most essential piece in this conversation.
As parents, it is crucial that we learn to be aware of the places where we say one thing, and then go on to do another. The places where we hold expectations of our children and then behave in ways that contradict the expectations we have of them. Likely, at no other time in history has there been a more dramatic example of, “do what I say and not as I do,” then what adults are modeling around cell phone use.
This is confusing for our children because it puts us, the ones they rely on more than anyone else in the world, in the position of being an unreliable example for them. This is the direct opposite of what they need. And that is why we begin with ourselves. Therefore, whether it is with the cell phone or anything else for that matter, whenever you have the experience of deep frustration over something that your son is doing, you will never go wrong by looking to yourself first.
Let’s start with a simple question; “What is really bothering you about this?” For instance, underneath the conflict you two are having over his cell phone use, are you annoyed because he is ignoring you? Does it bother you that he is on his phone to the exclusion of other things? Do you see him using it as an avoidance? A bad habit? An addiction? Spend some time reflecting on what it feels like to watch him on his phone.
Now comes the really challenging part. Once you have asked and answered these questions for him, notice whether or not your feelings or observations in any way apply to you. For example, if you feel bothered by the amount of time he spends on his device, does it in any way speak to a concern you have over your own misuse? It is far easier, though thoroughly human, to blame another for their behavior in order to avoid looking at our own behavior. Therefore, if approaching the issue in this way is new or unfamiliar to you, be patient with yourself while you catch up to what you are seeing.
Choosing to notice in this way is not separate from who you are as a parent. It is our job to model healthy behavior for our children. Otherwise, what are we really teaching them? And how else could we possibly know what we are actually modeling unless we are willing to take an honest look at how we are living? In a world accelerating with unhealthy and life-depleting choices around the screen technologies, our children need this from us now more than ever. This means that we must be willing to learn new ways when we find ourselves coming up short. And it means creating a willingness on our part to practice, over and over again, where we do not have it quite “right.” Just like we would encourage our children to keep trying in order to get better at anything they were attempting to learn, could we do the same for ourselves?
If this all makes sense to you, then it only stands to reason that your biggest job right now is to get clear on your own use. And while placing the focus on you may initially feel as though you are letting him off the hook, or wasting your time, it is neither. Your use sets the tone for his use. Therefore, I would recommend that before you start talking to your son about this issue, you spend a good amount of time making your own adjustments. Until you have a handle on your own use, you are in no position to weigh in with him. He is already sensing the hypocrisy with you expecting him to do something that you yourself have not been able to do. Therefore, tend to yourself first.
Don’t make any big pronouncements. There is no point in acting like you have got it all figured out after a few “balanced” days with your phone. This is truly one of those places where actions speak louder than words. Go about your days making your changes. Notice yourself. Be attentive to the discoveries you make as you pay more attention to all of the ways that your own use is out of balance.
You could even try a bit of a structured experiment. It might look something like this. For the next couple of weeks, every time you go to pick up your phone, ask yourself the question, “Why am I here?” You could even tape a little note onto your phone with that question written on it. After noticing your response, pause for one breath. This gives you the opportunity to decide if this is in fact what you actually want to be doing. It gives you the chance to determine whether or not this choice, will, in fact, satisfy the need or the emotion you are feeling.
Give yourself plenty of space and time to explore. Be open to what the answer is in any given moment. Practice suspending judgment so that you can feel and listen more deeply. And while I cannot tell you what you will discover, I guarantee you this; If you stick with it, you will find yourself into a more healthy and balanced relationship with your phone. Not only that, whatever you discover for yourself, you discover for your son.
When you feel as though you are established in a new way of being with your phone, begin to consider your son. Given what you know now about what it does in the life of a grown-up, what do you think would be appropriate for a teenager? In considering this, remember to include what it is that you most want for your son, what kind of a relationship you want for the two of you, along with what it will take to get there. Once you are clear on that, now you are ready to consider how the cell phone factors in for him, and as importantly, where and when it does not. And while your son is certainly old enough now to be included in this conversation, it is ultimately not his to decide. This is yours to do. You are the one mature enough to hold the vision for your home and what it is that a growing boy needs.
It cannot be overstated how much our children look to us around what they need, and how the introduction of the devices into our lives has pulled the adults off course; leading many of us to believe that we need to leave it up to our children to decide. Maturity wise, our children are not in a position to do this. For children to be well, they must be allowed a childhood free from what takes away from healthy development, while being in connected relationships with adults who know how to be in charge. This requires strong and intentional boundaries around what we allow into the lives of our children when it comes to the technologies. Practically speaking, it means lots of open space and time spent together in our homes where no one is in front of a screen.
And whenever it gets hard, which it will keep in mind your desire to be in a loving relationship with your son, while at the same time living as a noteworthy example for him. Focusing in this way can help to keep you on track when the challenges around cell phones show up. Through it all, stay focused on making real connections between real people in real time the priority in your home. You need this. Your son needs this. The world needs this.
Susan McNamara is a certified holistic health counselor and holds a masters degree in counseling psychology. As an adjunct professor at Westfield State University, she explores the impact technology has on students’ health and well-being as part of an overall curriculum on stress reduction.
To submit a technology-
related parenting conundrum to her, email her at
thefarmatavalon@
hotmail.com.