I don’t know about you, but I feel like I am getting the wool pulled over my eyes — again! The 2020 election cycle has just begun, and I’m being inundated with multiple free-for-alls, which are euphemistically being called debates. There seem to be two separate “leagues” this season with 10 (10!) players in each “league.” The news talk shows add to the mayhem, and it’s impossible to keep account of what each candidate is saying. The fundraising and campaign spectacles for both parties border on the ridiculous. Words, words, words, and the American electorate is always disappointed when the new knight rides in on his horse — and fails to deliver on promises.
I am happy to be able to share with you how we can finally elect the right person for the job. You don’t even have to thank me.
The answer to our nation’s woes can be found in “Game Theory,” where rational players (OK, admittedly there’s a slight problem already) use various strategies to reach a goal. I have made some “minor alterations” to the original theory in order to make a seamless transition to the political arena.
I propose that all players, regardless of party, enter the games and let the total “score” from the various events determine the winner. Complete objectivity will thus be achieved and “misspeaking,” obfuscating and lying will be avoided. We will have results, rather than promises, upon which to base our decisions. Here are some suggestions by the “committee” (ME) for the games to be considered in the contest. The “committee” is open to other suggestions as well.
First, to determine who is best-suited to run our economy, I propose a Monopoly tournament. We might consider altering the rules slightly in order for deals to be made and for Socialist enterprises to be explored — for example, with the utilities and the railroads.
Second, when it comes to defense and international relations, Battleship and Risk would serve very nicely for the voter to see how the candidates would negotiate the complex and dangerous world stage.
Next, a variety of video games should be included. After all, we want our president to be tech-savvy in order to thwart Russian meddling.
Let’s include a golf tournament, but no cheating, Donald. Rick Reilly is watching! (Mr. Reilly is the author of a current bestseller, “Commander in Cheat,” which covers President Trump’s golf business exploits and scoring “techniques.”)
A chess tournament might give the voters insight into the intellectual capacities of each candidate. In addition, perhaps in conjunction with their running mates, they could all participate in a bridge tournament. By diligently evaluating the candidates’ moves and strategies, the voter might gain some confidence in how the campaigners would intelligently attack worldwide issues such as global warming. I recognize that these two events might be a stretch for many of them.
Finally, a stint at the craps table for everyone might be interesting. After all, it’s always a plus to have Lady Luck in your corner.
We would also have to have FBI and CIA agents constantly monitoring the games to prevent cheating. Wait a minute. I might have to take on that task myself!
In order to afford these games some gravitas, a suitable name must be given. We will also need a catchy acronym for public consumption. My suggestion for the name of the games is: Save Our Sphere.
I’m having trouble with the acronym, so I will leave that to you!