I should begin by saying that I am a documented American citizen with a valid U.S. passport despite what you might believe after reading this entry. I’m also well aware that I won’t make many friends with those who read what follows.
Now that the dust has settled after Super Bowl LVI at SoFi Stadium (or to be more accurate, now that the artificial turf has been washed), I decided to send this column to the Gazette for consideration. I sat down to write this at VI:XXX PM EST on Feb. XIII, which I believe was the scheduled kickoff time. I really can’t say for sure when the game started, since this is the LVIth year in a row that I refrained from supporting the mayhem.
Surely this places me in rarefied company in this country. (Then again when one thinks of a super bowl anyplace else on the planet, visions of a large serving vessel come to mind.) It has been CCCLXV days of constant hype leading up to this moment, much of which can’t be avoided no matter how hard one might try. The split second the final whistle blows for this contest, talk of Super Bowl LVII will begin.
I have previously written in the Gazette about why I abstain from watching this event. I’ll briefly review some of those reasons and buttress them with a few others. Each year provides a slew of additional justifications to watch even the Cooking Channel or, better yet, to clean the house.
As I understand it, a football game is made up of IV, XV minute quarters, but the Super Bowl generally lasts between III to IV hours. What’s more, the ball is actually only in play for about XI minutes. (One of my friends from England commented on American football saying, “I don’t understand why they have all of those team meetings.”) During this time, countless brain injuries are incurred by the participants and are encouraged by the LXX thousand deranged fans in attendance.
A standard seat will set you back $VII thousand as will a parking space. A luxury seat costs in the neighborhood of $LXXX thousand. Sure, bring the kids and make it a family outing. You might want to bring your own snacks though.
With COVID in the picture this year, the NFL was “very concerned” about keeping the event from becoming a Super Spreader. When the authorities were asked how they were going to enforce the mask mandate, they said that there will be some signs displayed reminding people to wear their masks. Whew! What a relief.
I do think that other sports, which have trouble attracting paying customers to their contests, could actually learn a lot from viewing the Super Bowl. Let’s take croquet for instance. I plan to propose two suggestions to the WCF — that’s the World Croquet Federation for those with a sticky wicket.
First, the authorities should consider the introduction of contact croquet. It was the great W. C. Fields who planted this seed about 100 years ago. While discussing beanbag and croquet, he quipped, (please add the Master’s speech and inflection to this quote for greater effect) “I was at the World Championship in Paris. Many people were killed.” I’m sure most of the same fans watching the Super Bowl would immediately become croquet enthusiasts.
Second, I would suggest using Roman Numerals for titles of events, scoring, and wherever else it’s possible to do so. It seems to add gravitas to the show.
One final reason I avoid the Super Bowl and the parties associated with them is that I’m not fond of chicken wings.
I hate being such a stick in the mud and being so cynical about this festive event, so I will conclude on a more positive and supportive note. I hope that the Red Sox won the game.
Jonathan Kahane lives in Westhampton.