I’ve been making a lot of phone calls lately. Some have been to doctors’ offices and businesses, while others have been to friends and family.
I have been desperately trying to keep up with the modern technology of communication, but being 77 years old it’s becoming more and more difficult to do so. I used to think that at least I was competent with the telephone, but recently even that is being called into question.
I haven’t been able to communicate with a living breathing human being on that apparatus for what seems like an eternity. I always end up with a recording of the same individual on the other end of the line and the “dialogue” never varies.
This all came to a head recently when I tried to reach my son. He’s an adult now (well, are your children ever adults?) with a family of his own. He lives thousands of miles away, and I try to keep in contact in order to learn about his family and their recent adventures.
The following is an account of what transpired during my most recent call to him. It has led me to share my experience with you in the hopes of gaining some insight on how to cope with this dilemma.
After countless busy signals, disconnects, wrong numbers, and holds, I finally had gotten through to him. Ooops. Not so fast. The operative word there is, “thought.”
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“Thank you for contacting our family. If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it at any time. Your call is very important to us. Please press ‘1’ for English, ‘2’ for Spanish or ‘3’ for the Operator. (By the way, why do I have to press “1” for English?) We are experiencing a larger number of calls than usual at this time which will likely lead to abnormally extended wait times. Please try again later. If you would prefer to hold, please note that you are currently on our automated voice recognition system. If you would prefer to use our numerical system, press the Star Key at any time. Please listen to the entire list of the following 17 options, because our menu may have recently changed. If you are Dad, press ‘7.’ If you are Mom, press ‘8.’ If you are a scammer, press ‘Pi.’ This call may be recorded for training purposes. If you don’t accept this condition then please hang up now.
Our phone is open for all business between the hours of 10 a.m. EST and 4 p.m. CST. If you would prefef not to wait, leave your name and phone number and we will return your call in the order in which it was received. You will not lose your place in line. The current wait time is three hours and 17 minutes. You may also leave a detailed message by going to our website or sending an email. Someone will get back to you within nine business days.
We would like to get your opinion regarding today’s interaction with us. If you are willing, please press #, stay on the line, and complete the brief 45-minute survey.”
Actually, I would have liked to give them my feedback very much, but the survey never provides the option I’d like to share with them!
Jonathan Kahane lives in Westhampton.