Suicide is a pretty icky word, but the act is far ickier, and I do not mean to trigger anyone by mentioning it. That is not what this is about, and despite how hard it is to talk about, it is something we must talk about, just like cancer, heart disease, or addiction.
I went through 41 years of life and never thought about suicide until one thing happened that made me start. The amount of time I pondered it was shockingly short, less than a half hour. I was extremely lucky that I was unsuccessful; some angels somewhere must have been looking out for me. Nine years later, it came to mind again, also a knee-jerk reaction to things in my life I thought were irreparable. I hadn’t remembered or taken many lessons from the first attempt, because after that one, my life only went down the toilet to a far worse place.
As it turns out, some things I thought couldn’t be fixed were indeed irreparable, but I found out that most of those things didn’t matter as much as I thought they did. After overcoming this planned attempt, where the ground of my life seemed barren from things and people that I had lost, and that I thought nothing could possibly grow, sprouts of a new life and new possibilities took root. They made my life better, fuller, brighter than before. I know now that there are far better options than taking this dramatic and icky step again.
I write this because both of my attempts to end my life occurred right around this time of year, a time of year that can be extremely hard for many despite all the ubiquitous messages of joy, love, and peace. If you’re not feeling joyful, optimistic, or have hope, PLEASE seek out help. Call the suicide hot line, talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your feelings, or go to a crisis center or the ER — just don’t keep it inside.
I had no idea that the best days of my life would occur after my second brush with suicide. If I had been successful in ending my life, it would have made the world for a whole bunch of folks, both known and unknown to me at the time, a much different place. I never realized how much my seemingly insignificant existence could, and ultimately would, affect the lives of so many others in such a positive way. This week, I saw the results of that very thing in the outpouring of love and support I received when leaving my job of over 2½ years for a new job. The experience touched my heart and soul in ways I hadn’t expected. It was truly my own personal “It’s a Wonderful Life” moment, and it wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t around to experience it.
When we “turn off” our lives, it is like going to sleep before we see how the movie ends. But in the case of our lives, if we turn those off, we can’t finish it in the morning because it is too late.
So please, don’t turn off your life, keep watching to see what happens. You’ll probably be delightfully surprised.
Mariel E. Addis is a native of Florence. She left the area for 16 years but returned in 2013.