In the year after I started my male-to-female transition, I wrote letters to my two adult sons. I never heard back from them, but my wife told me they felt my letters didn’t sound like me. I thought this was a bit funny, because I had never written to them before —I didn’t have to; I saw them all the time!
Recently, I heard something similar yet again: I had really changed or was a different person — something to that effect. All this, after I said all along that I’m the same person inside. I mulled this comment over —and over, and over, and over, as I frequently do and realized that yes, I am different, but in ways I had not expected.
At my very core, I am the same person, but I could not go through the process I went through and not be changed by it. Many things didn’t change: my morals and ethics, my interests and hobbies, my taste in food, music or movies, and my great love of cats. Even my sexual orientation remained intact.
There is the physical part of transitioning, and yes, I definitely do look different to the world. It makes me happy to look into the mirror and see the person I always felt I wanted to be, really, I guess the person I had always been inside. There was a time, a couple years back, when I was sitting in Packard’s in Northampton with some friends; I was seated opposite a large mirror on the wall. I kept glancing at my reflection in the mirror. It was surreal yet glorious to know that the woman I was looking at was me, especially after years of seeing a different reflection in the mirror, the reflection of a man. And unlike getting dressed up for Halloween, I knew that this was really me and not some costume that was going to come off at the end of the night.
I am further changed because estrogen, and not testosterone, is now the “ruling” hormone in my body. Men don’t give much thought to the hormones in their bodies, which can make them aggressive and more sexually driven. Estrogen, which fueled many of my physical changes, changed the way I experience life. It is far more calming, and I prefer the way I feel now compared to when testosterone was the dominant hormone. Women are more keenly aware of the effects of hormones in their body because their levels fluctuate with their monthly cycle and throughout their lifetimes. I will say that estrogen has made me into an emotional, weepy, mess at times; it’s embarrassing, but I don’t mind.
My transition has made me far gutsier, yet far more empathetic. Transitioning to female is the one single thing in my life that I did solely for myself — much to the initial disappointment and confusion of some people in my inner-most circle. I have won over most of those people now, after they witnessed first hand what this journey of mine has done for me, my morale, my passion for life, and my love of supporting others.
One of the biggest changes since I transitioned, and this may be because of my age: I flatly refuse to be anyone’s punching bag, nor surrender my ideals or needs just because it is easier not to fight for what I value. That doesn’t mean I’m inflexible by any means, but this transition has given me the self-confidence that I sorely was lacking for most of my life. I now embrace the thought of meeting new people instead of dreading it. I’m not a wallflower and I’m not afraid to take a chance to tell my story or support the transgender cause, the one thing in my life I am most passionate, yet pragmatic, about (although cats do come close!).
I write this because I want people to understand. Transitioning saved me and countless other souls out there, who can all tell similar stories. The thought that a select group of narrow-minded people in this country want to kill that dream is heartbreaking. Please help us keep this chance at a new life alive.
Mariel Addis is a native of Florence. She left the area for 16 years but returned in 2013.