As the holiday season rolls around we have to brace ourselves for the seasonal secular humanist assault on one of our nation’s most sacred holidays. However you spell it, I’m talking about the war on Hanukkah.
Chanukah has turned into yet another consumer consumption orgy. Channuka advertising used to start after Thanksgiving, but now it starts before Halloween. That’s scary. The crass commercialism of Chanukkah makes me sick. By the way, for gifts this year I would like a harmonica for Chanuka. I’d also like a Konica and a trip to Santa Monica for Hannukka with my girlfriend Veronica.
But I don’t want any trashy Xanuka CDs or TV specials or inedible On-oo-ka fruitcakes. I love a good fruit cake, but not the kind you eat.
Many stores won’t even put up Hanukkah decorations for fear of offending so-called “non-Jews.” Well, from now on I’m boycotting any store that doesn’t say “Happy Hannukkah” in the front window. That means almost all of them. But I digress.
We need to take Hanuka back. I say it’s time we put the Ha back in Hannuka. The truth is, if we let them take down Hanewka, other holidays could become collateral damage. First, Channukkah, then Kwanzaa and then, what’s that other holiday around that time of year? Not New Year’s: you know, the other one? Anyway, what we need to save Chanukka is a Channukkah counter-insurgency or even a Chanukeha surge. I’ve got it: Occupanuka!
The truth is everyone loves Hanuka. After all, Hanukka isn’t just a holiday about potato pancakes and gambling, it’s a holiday celebrating war and oil. What could be more relevant these days than that? And the true meaning of Ha-nuke-ha is that instead of running out of oil, the people were saved by a miracle. Let’s pray it turns out that way for us.
Andy Morris-Friedman
Hadley