There is a particular, insidious form of power that operates not through loud decrees, but through hushed tones. It is the power that prioritizes comfort over truth, and harmony over justice. This is the culture of “politeness” and “civility” as a Western, colonialist practice — a social technology designed to maintain order by punishing those who dare to name the disruptions.

At its core, this system is built on a profound inversion: when harm is done, the greatest offense is often not the harm itself, but the act of naming it.

The colonial roots of “civility”

The European colonial project was not just a military and economic conquest; it was a cultural and psychological one. Colonizers arrived with a rigid ideology that positioned their own manners, social codes, and emotional restraint as the pinnacle of “civilization.” Indigenous cultures worldwide, with their often more expressive, communal, and direct ways of addressing conflict, were labeled “savage,” “uncivilized,” or “emotional.”

This “civility” served a direct purpose. It was a tool of control. By imposing their standards of “appropriate” behavior, colonizers could:

1. Pathologize resistance: A leader rallying their people against theft of land could be dismissed as a “ranting” primitive, not a legitimate defender of rights.

2. Protect the powerful: Uncomfortable truths that challenged the authority and morality of the ruling class could be sidelined by focusing on the “unseemly” way the message was delivered. The focus shifts from “What was done?” to “How dare you say that?”

3. Enforce assimilation: To survive and advance, colonized peoples were forced to adopt these mannerisms, internalizing the very values that justified their own subjugation.

Swallowing the tyranny: the harm of unnamed injustice

This is where the concept of “swallowed tyrannies”(Audre Lorde) becomes essential. The term describes the countless small and large injustices that people — particularly marginalized groups — are expected to endure in silence to keep the peace. It is the sexist comment laughed off at the dinner table, the racist microaggression brushed aside at work, the systemic inequality accepted as “just the way things are.”

Each time a harm is swallowed, a tyranny is internalized. The burden of this swallowed pain manifests as generational trauma, poor health, and fractured communities. The system of politeness demands that the victim digest the poison so that the perpetrator remains comfortable. The real breach of etiquette is not the act of poisoning, but the victim’s refusal to quietly digest it.

The indigenous contrast: conflict as a path to restoration

This colonial model stands in stark contrast to many Indigenous governance and conflict resolution practices. While incredibly diverse, many of these cultures do not view conflict as something to be suppressed for the sake of a superficial peace. Instead, conflict is seen as an inevitable part of community life — a potential catalyst for deeper understanding and healing.

Practices like restorative justice circles, which have roots in various Indigenous traditions, are founded on this principle. The goal is not to determine punishment alone, but to:

· Name the harm explicitly and collectively.

· Center the experience of the victim.

· Hold the perpetrator accountable in a way that requires them to understand the impact of their actions.

· Work towards the restoration of balance for the entire community.

In this framework, silence is not golden; it is corrosive. Politeness that masks festering wounds is not a virtue but a vice. The community’s health depends on bringing grievances into the open, where they can be addressed directly and holistically. The “civility” here is not about comfort; it is about the courage to engage in the difficult work of truth-telling for the sake of genuine, lasting harmony.

The modern-day “uppity” truth-teller

Today, this colonial legacy lives on. The person who names the harm or abuse is often met with a barrage of accusations that have nothing to do with the original harm:

· “You’re being divisive.”

· “You’re so aggressive.”

· “Can’t you take a joke?”

· “Why do you have to be so angry?”

The system reflexively attacks the truth-teller for disrupting the “peace” — a peace that was, in reality, the quiet hum of oppression. The offense is not the injustice, but the refusal to be complicit in one’s own dehumanization by swallowing the tyranny.

In conclusion, the culture of politeness-as-civility is a dangerous inheritance from colonialism. It protects the powerful, burdens the marginalized, and confuses comfort for justice. By recognizing this dynamic and looking to Indigenous wisdom that values truth over tranquility, we can begin to reject the practice of swallowing tyrannies. We can learn that a peace built on silenced pain is no peace at all, and that the real path to a civil society begins not with polite silence, but with courageous, honest, and restorative speech. I would like to thank School Committee member, Michael Stein, and Ward 3 Councilor Quaverly Rothenberg for naming the harms and swallowing the tyrannies for us marginalized people. 

Jamie Guerin lives in Northampton.