Throughout our lives, the ways we feel loved and secure don’t really change. The very experiences that build a child’s sense of safety and trust are the same ones that keep adult love strong and secure.

In her book, “A Mother’s Journey into the Science of Attachment,” researcher Bethany Saltman reveals how a powerful bond – or “secure attachment” – is formed between caregiver and child when the caregiver is showing delight in the child, responding with comfort and repair, emotionally or physically, when needed, and offering a consistent sense of steady presence.

These are the cornerstones of secure attachment – the emotional bond that gives us the confidence to be ourselves, the courage to be vulnerable, and the trust that love will hold steady. Relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, puts it simply: “We are never more ourselves than when we are securely connected to another.”

In reading Saltman’s reflections, I was struck by how deeply these same principles apply to adult relationships.

Delight

“I see you light up when you see me.”

For a child, seeing a parent’s delight is powerful medicine. When a parent’s face lights up first thing in the morning, when greeting their child after school, and when tucking them in at night, the message is unmistakable: “You bring me joy.” This builds the child’s confidence and supports them in developing a deep sense of worth.

In adult love, the same holds true. Expressions of genuine delight – smiles, warm greetings, affectionate touches, or a loving text sent “just because”- can go a long way toward fostering a secure bond. These small moments of joy provide emotional nourishment. When we light up at the sight of our partner, the message we send is: “You enrich my life. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Repair

“I can reach for you when I need to. You are here for me.”

In childhood, a key ingredient of secure attachment is a parent’s responsiveness when a child is in distress. A scraped knee is met with care – a band aid, soothing words, a hug. Once comforted, the child feels safe enough to return to play, knowing that help and comfort are reliably there when needed.

In adult love, “repair” looks like this – it’s the bridge back to connection after moments of disconnection or conflict. No couple is free of misunderstandings or emotional bruises, but what defines a secure bond is the ability to reach for each other again and know the other will respond. A gentle touch, a sincere apology, or a calm “Can we start this conversation over?” communicates: Even when we are having problems, I care and I’m not going anywhere.

When partners respond to each other’s emotional needs with presence and compassion, safety is restored. This means listening instead of defending, and comforting instead of withdrawing. Just as a child can return to play once comforted, adults can re-engage with life and each other when they feel seen, soothed and supported. The message it sends: You can count on me to show up when it matters most.

Security in the other

“I can count on you to be solid ground.”

Children rely on the calm, confident presence of their caregivers as a foundation for their own growth. When a parent remains steady and dependable, even in moments of frustration or fear, the child learns: “I am safe. The world is safe. I can explore and come back for comfort when I need to.” That sense of security becomes the emotional backbone that allows curiosity, independence, and resilience to thrive.

In adult love relationships, it’s much the same. Security shows up when one partner can remain steady and non-reactive, both in times of tension within the relationship, and when challenges arise from outside it, such as work stress, illness, or family struggles. It’s about being that reliable emotional anchor when life feels challenging for the other.

Of course, this isn’t always easy to do. We’re all human, and our own emotions can get stirred up. But when partners can take a breath, stay present, and respond calmly through emotional self-regulation, they are showing that they can be leaned on when needed. This kind of steadiness builds deep trust over time. It teaches both partners that their relationship is a safe harbor – one that can weather stress, difference, and disappointment without losing its center. When love feels secure, the relationship itself becomes stronger and bigger than any single problem that arises. The message is: You can rest in my steadiness when you feel shaky. I am your safe place to land.

The good news is that secure love isn’t something we either have or don’t. It’s something we can grow and strengthen at any time in our important relationships. I’m cheering you on to take a look at which of these three elements you can begin incorporating more into your relationship with your children, your partner, and/or other loved ones.

Show your delight in the other.

If you’ve said hurtful words, make a repair. Take responsibility and let them know their feelings and needs matter.

Offer steadiness when the other is experiencing one of life’s storms.

When practiced consistently, these three ways of connecting help love feel safe, steady, and lasting — qualities that every relationship needs to thrive.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.