I notice a particular dynamic in heterosexual couples that is so common and painful, that it deserves careful attention. The female partner expresses distress about something her male partner said or did. He responds, not with openness or receptivity, but with defensiveness, dismissal or shutdown. I have been curious about this reaction, which leaves both partners frustrated, exasperated, disconnected and often feeling alone in the relationship.
Of course, I am not generalizing to include all men and I am also aware that women can certainly get defensive when it is revealed that something they said or did lands negatively with their partner. We all can get defensive at times, exhibiting any of the following behaviors: minimize, dismiss, deflect, make excuses, over-explain or blame. When defensiveness kicks in, one is not capable of listening, self-reflecting, empathizing and owning one’s part in a problem.
In dealing with a defensive male partner, it can easily be assumed that he does not care or doesn’t want to listen. Yet in my work, I see men who are genuinely invested in their relationships, who want things to be better and who care deeply about their partner’s happiness. The question, then, is not whether they care, but why listening can feel so hard in those moments when his partner calls attention to something he said or did that is not sitting well with her.
What’s really happening underneath defensiveness
To understand this dynamic, it helps to look at what may be unfolding internally for many men when they hear about their partner’s distress. Hearing “I feel hurt” or “I need something different” from their partner is usually an attempt on her part to create understanding and repair. But many men hear instead something quite painful, such as: “I failed. I’m not good enough. I did something wrong.” Essentially, he perceives her talking about her distress as a criticism, or even a threat, leading him to feel inadequate and becoming defensive, shutting down, or pushing back.
I believe these reactions do not reflect the true character of the male partner. Instead, they are self-protective strategies to reduce or eliminate the internal pain of what is looming underneath: shame.
Shame, the belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy, is often activated immediately and subconsciously, within seconds of hearing some feedback that he perceives as criticism.
Where shame comes from
What are the factors that cause or lead men to feel shame? Boys are often raised with strong messages — explicit or implicit — that their self-esteem and self-worth are conditional, tied to competence, strength, performance, achievement or getting it “right.” When a young boy’s less than perfect behavior is met with criticism rather than guidance, this can be quite damaging to his self-esteem. Over time, he learns that it is not safe to make mistakes or disappoint parents or others. Thus, he comes to believe that only if he is “good enough” will he be loved and accepted.
Many men from previous generations were not taught how to understand emotions — their own or someone else’s. From an early age, emotional expression was often discouraged, minimized or met with correction rather than support. Strength was equated with control, competence and self-sufficiency, while vulnerability was subtly or overtly framed as weakness. As a result, many men learned how to perform well in the world without learning how to stay present in emotionally charged moments. Therefore, they may have difficulty “being with” their partner’s strong feelings, whether it has to do with them or something else. These factors could be contributing to becoming defensive.
It’s important that partners feel free to share with each other how the other is impacting them, both positively and negatively. That is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship. As mentioned, when the female partner brings up a negative reaction she had in response to his actions or words, he may hear her words as criticism, attack, and confirmation of a long-held belief: “I’m never enough.” Just the fact that his partner may not be happy with him at times can trigger shame and it can feel like a giant blow to his sense of self. And that’s when defensiveness arises.
Women have shame too
Women and girls often have had their own experiences that cause them to also struggle with shame. For example, many have been taught to associate their worth with unreasonable standards of beauty. Therefore, a woman may dip into her own shame at times when she is faced with her physical imperfections.
Here, we can see the need for compassion towards all of us as people, regardless of gender. We share similar struggles related to unreasonable family and cultural expectations, pressures, standards and values placed upon us, starting early in life.
Defensiveness over time
When defensiveness shows up repeatedly, it can be painful and lonely for both people. For the partner who is speaking up, it often takes courage to openly express a hurt or an unmet need. When that openness is met with defensiveness or withdrawal, it can feel like emotional rejection. Over time, she may stop reaching out, hold onto resentment, and believe that her inner world does not matter to him. For the man who responds with defensiveness, this can create a cycle of self-imposed isolation, stagnation of personal growth, limited capacity to make changes to better meet his partner’s needs and increased stress.
Both partners end up feeling distant, with little trust and emotional safety, causing a perpetual “gridlock” of getting stuck in unresolved problems, misunderstandings and frustration.
Healthy communication is a shared responsibility
Communication is a two-way street. While it is important to understand that shame may be fueling defensiveness in men, it is also important to understand the female partner’s role in expressing herself in a way that she can be heard. When speaking about her feelings and needs, she needs to do so without blaming, shaming, criticizing or judging — what I call the “four cousins of disconnection.” Communication never goes well when any of these are present, as I’m sure you, my readers, have experienced.
What to do
It takes work from both partners to reduce or eliminate defensiveness. Issues need to be spoken about honestly, without resorting to the four cousins of disconnection. There needs to be a willingness to listen to what is being shared and catch any tendency toward one’s own defensiveness, replacing it with being present, interested and open. When this does not seem possible, vulnerability is the best path forward. To say, “I am finding myself feeling inadequate right now, when hearing what you are saying,” may not be comfortable at first, but this can go a long way toward preventing defensiveness.
In closing
I am cheering you on to know that, in partnership, we are all shaped by what we have been taught and to offer some compassion to each other. It is vital that we each choose to meet each other not as adversaries, but as human beings continuing to learn how to love each other well.
Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information, visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.