In a heartbreaking stretch of only a few weeks, we just saw two women with deep roots in our community allegedly murdered by their husbands.
Emma MacDonald, a catering manager at the University of Massachusetts and mother to an 11-year-old daughter, was allegedly beaten to death in a campus hotel room by her husband, Jeffrey MacDonald, a celebrated chef.
Diane Pupek Opper, who worked at U.S. Fish & Wildlife as chief of the Division of Operations & Support, was allegedly shot multiple times by her husband, Mark Opper. Diane grew up in South Hadley and was active locally in rescuing and fostering dogs.
In my years working on domestic violence prevention at the Pioneer Valley Planning Commission, I can’t remember a time in the Valley when we had two domestic violence fatalities within a month. Massachusetts has the fourth-lowest rate of domestic violence homicides in the country. We have several domestic violence agencies in the Valley with strong leaders and well-trained staff. Our district attorney hosts a High-Risk Team that monitors domestic violence cases deemed potentially lethal.
Still, it happened. Our hearts are broken, and now is the time to mourn. But when we are ready to act, let’s be clear-eyed. Let’s admit that relying on even the best domestic violence agencies and law enforcement is not enough. Let’s make prevention our north star and make sure we all know the warning signs of abuse and what to do if we see them.
What are those signs, and what can we do?
People who abuse often present as entitled and superior, even as though they own their partner. They might tell their partner what to do, how to behave, even how to think.
They may say things about their partner like “who do they think they are” or “they know how I am — they asked for it.” If their partner “misbehaves” they believe they have a right to humiliate, mistreat, abuse them.
Their abuse is often followed by apologies and even love bombing — a term coined in the field of domestic violence because it is so common — meaning the period after abuse when a victim is showered with attention, remorse and sometimes gifts. The abusive partner might say, “It will never happen again, I can’t live without you, your friends want you to end it because they are jealous of what we have.” But if the underlying attitude of superiority and entitlement remains intact, the abuse usually returns.
The problem is people don’t always show their abusive side. They may present as a pillar of society, acting in ways that will protect them if the truth ever comes out. If there are signs, we might not know what to look for (we are looking for a monster, not a celebrated chef) and there may be periods free from abuse when the relationship seems fine, and our concerns subside.
Even if we do see signs, do we know what to say? “What you’re doing is not OK and it scares me,” or “you need to stop — can I help you find help?” Did anyone tell Mark or Jeffrey about A Call For Change helpline — a helpline for people who abuse but want to stop?
And what about Emma and Diane? Were there signs that they were in danger? Were they overly worried about upsetting their partners, or afraid to silence their texts for fear of not responding quickly enough? Were they becoming isolated, distant, showing up late to things, not acting like themselves? Were they changing how they dressed, because their partner told them to, or to cover up bruises?
If the signs were there, did we know what to do? Did we know to say “I care about you and I’m worried by what I see and I want to help,” or “you seem nervous about getting home late, and that worries me. I’m here if you want to talk.” Did we listen without judging? Do we know how to connect people with a domestic violence agency?
A few months ago, I sat with members of a domestic violence task force in one of our rural towns to plan a dating violence prevention initiative that would teach the warning signs of abuse. A task force member leaned over and said to me privately, “If we had this project in the schools when I grew up, I never would have married my abusive husband.”
Let’s get these prevention projects going. Let’s end abuse before it starts.
Monica Moran lives in Amherst and is the manager of domestic violence prevention projects at the Pioneer Valley Planning Commission. To find a domestic violence agency near you, see www.janedoe.org/find_help/. To reach A Call For Change Helpline, see www.acallforchange.org or call 877-898-3411.