Setting: A large room, bare except for gaudily framed photos of President Trump lining all four walls. A long, rectangular conference table sits in the middle of the hall.

Characters: 6 men, nameless advisors to the President, seated around the table. They are dressed identically in blue blazers and red ties. A silent clown sits at one end of the table, holding a horn with a rubber squeeze bulb.

– He said $5,000 for every adult, right?
– Yup. That’s what the Trumpster said. For everyone over 21.
– Hispanics? Iranians? Blacks? Women?
– Hey. He probably didn’t mean EVERYONE. We’ll deal with that later.
– So Trumpy would get $5,000, too? And his whole family?
– Guess so.
– And we’d get it, too! We’re adults, right?

(Silent pause. Clown horn sounds, followed by raucous laughter.)

– Hey, guys. How much do we need so we can give everyone 5,000 bucks?
– I heard someone say one trillion dollars.
– Wow. That sounds like a lot of money.
– I always forget: is that more or less than a billion?
– It’s a lot more — like 10 times more, I think.
– No, no. I think it’s, like, 1,000 billion dollars.
– Geez! Big hunk of change. Where we gonna get it?

(Silent pause. Clown horn sounds, followed by raucous laughter.)

– The Musk Ox, duh.
– Putin-sky
– Campaign Fund
– Come on. Trumpy will have zero trouble finding the dough. Last resort, the Hegs-wart at Defense can find whatever we need.
– What I wanna know is: How we gonna find out where people spend the money? Remember what Trump-o said: he wants it spent here and only here. Not in weird places like Canada or France or Vancouver.
– Or Manitoba. What part of Africa is that in, anyway?
– Well, we could put tracking chips in all the bills. That way we could tell where they’re spent.
– That sounds pretty expensive. How about we give everyone store credits at Walmart, Home Depot, and Amazon. That way it all comes back to The Man anyway.

(Clown horn. Giggling.)

(After a silent moment, everyone rises and, in unison, stretches their arms high, letting out a loud, prolonged yawn. All sit down, lay their heads on their arms, and immediately fall asleep. After ten seconds, the clown horn sounds and heads pop up.)

– OK then. Are we ready to continue, gentlemen?
– (Another yawn) This is the most work I’ve done since Trumpy-Dump brought me in. How long have we been at it, anyway?
– Gotta be 20 minutes, easy.
– So listen, here’s an idea: everyone gets a Trump Card, preloaded with $5,000.
– Like a credit card?
– Yeah. We’ll call it a Trump Card, to be sure they remember who gave them the money. They can use the card anywhere they like, even at Blue stores.
– Blue stores?
– You know, places owned by liberals and socialists.
– Do socialists own stores?
– I don’t know! Just listen! Since everyone has to use a card, we can collect info on where the money is being spent. If we see it’s not spent in the U.S., the person is punished.
– Like put in jail?
– Who knows? Maybe. We’ll figure that out. What do you guys think?
– I love it!
– Me too! (Continuous honking of the horn.)
– But wait a minute. Who’s gonna keep track of every time a card is used? There’s gonna be a lot of cards out there! Millions and millions of cards.
– WE keep track!
– What?
– Are you kidding me? That sounds like a ton of work!
– And we have to sit in front of computers all day, like other people?
– And keep track of every single time every single person uses the card?

(Moment of silence. Clown honks the horn, stands up and speaks.)

– You clowns still don’t get it. Listen. There will be nothing to keep track of because there will be NO MONEY on the cards. People will try to use them and the stores will say they are no good. Do you really think the Cheapster is going to give Americans money?
– But everyone will be mad. Really mad.
– Of course! That’s the brilliance of the plan!. You see, the cards will be produced by some company run by a socialist. Trump holds a news conference and says: “The socialists are to blame for this screw-up. Horrible! The cards are defective! Imagine, they can’t even make a good plastic card! But I will get to the bottom of this. Every American deserves an answer. Liberals will pay for this.”
– Oh man! By then people will be rioting in the streets …
– Fuming on Instagram!
– Marching and shouting: “4 MORE YEARS! 4 MORE YEARS! 4 MORE YEARS! …”

(7 unicycles appear at the back of the hall. Clown and advisors mount unicycles and pedal around the room, chanting “4 MORE YEARS, 4 MORE YEARS…”)

Curtain closes.

The End

Gene Stamell votes in Leverett and loved Bozo as a kid. He can be reached at gstamell@gmail.com.