Boss, Boss, have I got a great idea for you. How ’bout we don’t just execute that guy who shot up that Army base back in ’09? How ’bout we arrange a bunch of soldiers for a full-on firing squad and livestream the whole thing?
Oh, Petey, that’s a spectacular idea! You are just the best secretary of war we’ve ever had. And yes, won’t that be something? I’ll ask the whole country to tune in, and of course they will. People do just what I ask, it’s amazing, isn’t it? Remember the Access Hollywood tape? It’s like that.
Yes, sir, seems to be the case. And using a livestreamed firing squad will demonstrate just how much testosterone our soldiers have running through their veins. Oh, and our veins too. You did remember to take your pill this morning, sir?
It’s been the best pill I’ve ever taken, Petey, thanks for recommending it. I was hoping that the wife might find me more appealing, but unfortunately not, even though I’m definitely more macho-masculine than I’ve ever been. Hmm, maybe you have a suggestion or two to fix that, Petey? After all you are so trim and tough-looking in your tight, little suits, women must be falling all over you?
Well, I could lie to you, sir, but I would never do that. The truth is that, no, that’s not the case. I was thinking maybe I should change my look; these suits aren’t as appealing as I thought. I’ve hired a style consultant to help me better display the true hyper-masculine me. And if that works, I’m thinking of offering that service to all members of our military. I’m sure you can find a few hundred million dollars that Congress has appropriated for something unnecessary like healthcare subsidies or food assistance.
Yes, another terrific idea, Petey. You know this time around in the Oval has been completely different from the last time. While that last guy was in the White House, I spent my time coming up with hundreds, maybe thousands of things I could do when I got back into office. Remember that Project 2025 thing? I wrote that though some people say I didn’t and that I’m not smart enough. But I’m the smartest person that ever lived!
Well, everyone knows that, sir. Look what you did in just your first year back: you hired that richest person on earth to save billions of dollars by firing tens of thousands of federal expert employees in fields like healthcare, medical and climate research, food safety, transportation, and so much more, who worked to keep your citizens safe. And then you cut taxes on your billionaire buddies and their corporations, all resulting in trillions added to the federal debt. Yes, sir, you are the smartest person who has ever lived!
Thank you, Petey. That kind of praise coming from someone like you is great praise indeed. But you left out my Liberation Day tariff project that first year. Wasn’t that something? Not only did that result in angering and alienating our world partners, but it boosted prices on everything, setting inflation to a higher level. I know people keep talking about inflation like it’s something terrible, but what’s the big deal? Everyone wins except those people who buy stuff, right?
Yes, sir, if you say so. And then don’t forget that in your second year back, you (and me too), started that very special, very short war, but not called a war, against Iran. The shortness has expanded a bit, like eight months, but who’s counting? And thousands of people have died since our initial bombing of the country, but look what’s been gained… the Strait of Hormuz is now controlled by Iran, sending crude oil prices above $106/barrel, and diesel prices above $6.50/gal. And those high prices are sending the price of everything that gets transported (which is everything) higher and higher. I know you don’t like me to use that inflation word, but it is much higher, sir.
I know, Petey, but who’s really paying attention to that? They’re watching how I’m transforming the White House and Washington, DC into gold plated glory. Well, I might have to demolish the Kennedy Center, but who cares about President John Kennedy. After all, he was assassinated, wasn’t he? What a loser.
I can tell that the people love me, Petey. I even tell them to vote as if I am on the ballot, meaning vote for all my party’s candidates. I know they will because we have the best economy in our history. And if I tell them how to vote after sending $90 in the mail to those covered by Medicare, then they will. I know that smells a bit like vote buying, but I’m the president, right?
Yes, sir, you are. But there’s a movement afoot where people are taking that 90 bucks and donating it to candidates of the other party to ensure that they win the coming elections. That way they can take back both the House and Senate from your party. And I’ve heard that it’s happening across the country.
Guess you just can’t count on people to do the right thing, Petey. Guess not, sir.
Karen Gardner of Haydenville can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.