Mr. President, have you been watching the news? No, Stephen, should I? I’ve been going over plans for my ballroom and there are just so many decisions to make. You know getting this ballroom completed is just the most important thing for my legacy as president. The people are going to love this when it’s finished.

But sir, you remember the midterm elections that just happened? And that we lost very badly? Many of your personally chosen candidates lost, and by quite a lot. The Democrats have taken control of both the House and Senate, meaning you won’t be able to pass any new legislation during the rest of your presidency!

Oh right, I did notice that. But don’t worry about that, Stephen, you know we don’t need Congress to pass laws. We just announce some executive orders and boom, we’ve made a new law.

I know, Boss, we have gotten away with that fairly well, though we did lose a whole lot of those efforts in the courts. But we did have the support of many of your party’s elected officials who might not be so ready to do the same going forward. After all, you did a pretty lousy job on the campaign trail this fall. Instead of talking about how your candidates were going to help the American people, your speeches were about some men’s butts and building your expensive projects.

Stephen, are you suggesting that it’s my fault that all those people I campaigned for lost their elections? Well, sir, yes, that seems to be what I’m saying. You kept telling voters that the economy is the best ever. But your citizens have been suffering from high gas and diesel prices at the pump, a direct result of your war with Iran. I know I helped you with that, but look at the result. And food prices keep going up, also your fault due to the tariffs agenda that we put in place. People are feeling the ongoing inflation and you kept denying what they are experiencing.

Now Stephen, I think you’ve gotten way ahead of yourself. I bet you’ve been watching too many non-Fox News channels. You used to be my most devoted sycophant. You’ve been my right-wing ideologue all along. It was your idea to start dropping bombs on small boats in the Caribbean and Pacific Ocean and then insist that the people killed on them were running drugs into our country. Oh, and it was your idea to get rid of all those non-white people in a massive immigration sweep across the country! Look at all the detention centers we’ve got now! You loved the thought of deporting as many as you can.

I know, Boss, that’s all true, but things are changing out there in the country. People who supported all those great ideas before the election don’t appear to love them anymore. Our MAGA world is fracturing and I’m scared. Maybe we should start changing our ways. Maybe talk about fixing the healthcare crisis, end the war in Iran, stop talking about redecorating things? I’m also very scared about the coming House and Senate investigations and that I’ll end up in jail for all the murderous policies I’ve been in charge of.

Stephen, have you forgotten that the Attorney General of the United States is my personal lawyer and runs the Department of Justice? He would never let that happen. He only does what I tell him to do. Stephen, I barely recognize you. You’ve been my most important adviser over these many years and most of the awful things I’ve made happen came right out of your head. I’ve depended on you and now I’m wondering if I should consider getting rid of you.

And that’s really too bad, Stephen, because yesterday I fired Susie; she is no longer my chief of staff. After all, I have to blame someone for that blue wave, don’t I?

Mr President, you fired your chief of staff? Oh wow. And who were you thinking of to replace her?

As it happens, Stephen, until this weird conversation we’ve been having, I thought that person would be you. But that’s not going to happen after your hysterical outburst over the midterms.

Me? Really? Oh well, then, Mr. President, disregard everything I’ve just said. I couldn’t sleep last night and took a pill. Maybe that’s why I’ve been talking such trash. Of course I don’t think you are responsible for the midterm losses. Everyone else is. And I think everything you’ve done during your two terms in office to destroy the government and our democracy has just been perfect. You’re going to love what I’ll be cooking up for your last two years.

Well then Stephen, you’ve got the job! You’re my new chief of staff! I knew I could count on you and I don’t even care that you’ve shown yourself to be a fascist white supremacist. You’re my guy!

Karen Gardner of Haydenville can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.