There have been an unusual number of announcements and changes over the past few weeks. Included here is a partial list.
First, as we have long suspected, Hilary Price is the pen name for someone’s dad. The clever/corny humor is a giveaway. We have not yet determined whose dad the cartoonist is.
A new international law was passed in March. Anyone caught abusing animals will serve a mandatory life sentence at an animal sanctuary — where they will shovel excrement for 12 hours per day and are not allowed to greet, pet or be comforted by the lovely animals.
Jews will now actually control all of the media worldwide — print, television, radio, podcasts, social media — all of it. This drastic step seems to be the only way to accurately explain Israel historically and as a current democracy in the Middle East. Readers and listeners will learn how Jews criticize leaders and have divergent viewpoints while serving the world at large through innovations of all kinds. All Jews will be broke from contributing to the media control, but at least they will not be hated for perceived prosperity, so it’s a tradeoff.
Teachers and students in educational settings are now free to focus on learning since school shootings have been abolished. Likewise for boys, girls and women in general. Rape and molestation no longer exist.
Regular-looking white heterosexuals are banned from group dancing in television commercials. It has caused too much visual pain for the rest of us. Reality TV is over. Do I really need to explain this?!?
On the health front, daylight standard time will rule for the entire calendar year. There will be no more “spring forward” nonsense. See public health experts if you need explanation. Speaking of health, the universe mind-melded every human in their sleep on March 28. All humans woke up the next day horrified about anthropogenic climate change and determined to mitigate the crisis immediately. This included all decision-makers in power, as they finally realized they were screwing over their grandchildren by ignoring environmental disasters. Ocean dumping including plastics and netting that kill creatures of all kinds will cease immediately, and humans will endeavor to clean up whatever they can. Fossil fuels? Wind, sun and water will primarily power us. Large scale farming and shipping? Poof, no more. Re-foresting will be a huge priority, and recycling existing wood is its companion industry. The interstate system will be used for train and bus travel primarily.
Everyone was awakened to the fact of overpopulation, too. Every child in foster and other care who needs a good home will get one by May 17. People will no longer feel the narcissistic need for mini-me’s. Eventually the planet will have balance with the number of humans and resources.
Speaking of children, there will be no more trophies for mere existence or “participation.” We will return to the norms from the past where kids learn to win and lose and to accept that they have talents and skills in some areas but not all of them. This should help to decrease sociopathic tendencies later. What were Boomer and Xer parents thinking when they forget about resilience lessons and started swooping in to rescue their kids in every adverse situation? There is still hope for Millennial parents — especially if you waited a bit to have kids.
Americans who travel abroad will have all of their luggage examined before they board planes (now designed to use very little fossil fuel) to ensure proper clothing and shoes. No highly flammable fabrics such as ugly sweatshirts with big American flags and no white tennis shoes or white socks will be allowed. If Americans insist on jeans, they must be black. Also, the dress code on planes will be strictly enforced. Sweatpants, hoodies, pajamas, and everything else that is clearly wrong will not be allowed. Travelers will have the dignity to dress with respect for themselves and others.
This brings me to the next rule that was established recently. When dining out in a restaurant that is classy enough to have nice tablecloths and a decent wine list, cargo shorts, tank tops, sandals and the like will be banned. Dressing up for a nice dinner out will be the obvious choice once again.
The “No Kings” rallies will change their name to better reflect the events. They will be called the “support group events for people who don’t know what else to do in a world gone mad.” This may be too much to put on a T-shirt, but it is accurate. A bonus outcome is that the person referenced as a king will not get attention in this. We must remember that he craves all attention — negative and otherwise.
Finally, a new interesting federal tax law will go into effect on April 1. Anyone making over $1 million per year will pay 50% of their income towards the greater good of society, while anyone making under $100,000 will not pay any federal, state or local taxes. Those in the middle will pay 15%. Corporate taxes will follow a similar route depending on annual profit. This will fund universal health care and shelter and food for all. It’s a start.
J.M. Sorrell is a monthly columnist. You decide, is it April Wise or April Fools’ Day?