When people think about why relationships end, they often point to communication problems, financial stress, infidelity, intimacy issues, parenting conflicts, addiction, unresolved resentments or growing apart. While these issues certainly create strain, I have come to believe they are often circumstances rather than the fundamental problem. These situations generate distress — feelings such as hurt, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness or disappointment — but what frequently determines the fate of a relationship is one main thing: how each partner responds to their own distress.

As you may have noticed in your own life, distress is inevitable when you join your life with another’s. There will be disagreements, disappointments, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. At times, we feel frustrated, rejected, lonely, scared, angry or overwhelmed. Sometimes we get triggered.

The real issue is not the distress itself. The real issue is what we do with our distress. Distress is a normal part of every close relationship. It is our response to that distress that either deepens connection or creates disconnection and distance.

Through years of working with couples, I have noticed that most people, when experiencing distress, respond to their partner in one of four ways: they attack, defend, escape or try to control — or some combination. These behaviors are not signs that someone is a “bad” person. They are protective strategies — usually unconscious attempts to avoid feeling or revealing vulnerability. Unfortunately, while they may protect us in the moment, they erode the very safety, trust and connection that healthy relationships depend upon.

Four common ways we handle distress

  • Attack. Some people try to reduce their discomfort by making their partner “the problem.” They criticize, blame, judge, shame, yell, use sarcasm, make accusations, or say things like, “You always …” Imagine a partner who feels hurt because they don’t feel important. Rather than saying, “I’m feeling hurt because I have a need to know that I matter to you,” they lash out with, “You only care about yourself!” The underlying message is: I am hurting, and blaming you feels safer than revealing my pain.
  • Defend. Others respond by becoming defensive, justifying, explaining their position, denying, interrupting, analyzing their partner, arguing facts or telling their partner what they “really meant.” For example, if a partner says they feel hurt by something that was said, instead of responding, “I can see that really hurt you. Tell me more,” the response might be, “Well, if you hadn’t done ________, I wouldn’t have said what I said.” The underlying message is: Justifying myself feels safer than revealing my vulnerable feelings.
  • Escape. Some people flee distress altogether. They withdraw, shut down, stonewall, give the silent treatment, throw themselves into work, turn to addictions, or leave the conversation. I have seen many partners become unable to stay engaged in a conversation because they feel emotionally overwhelmed. Instead of saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need a little time so I can come back and really hear you,” they simply freeze, don’t respond or walk away. The underlying message is: Withdrawing feels safer than staying present with my difficult feelings.
  • Control. Others attempt to regulate themselves by manipulating, inducing guilt, dominating conversations, insisting they know what the other person is feeling or using intimidating behavior. For example, a partner who feels frightened that the relationship is slipping away might say, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t spend so much time with your friends.” Rather than expressing their fear by saying, “I’m feeling frightened because I need reassurance that our relationship is secure,” they try to influence their partner’s behavior. The underlying message is: Feeling in control seems safer than feeling vulnerable, uncertain, or fearful.

Although these four strategies look very different on the surface, they all serve the same purpose: they protect us from revealing our vulnerability. Each one diverts attention away from what is truly happening inside us.

Unfortunately, for many of us, showing vulnerability to our partners — revealing what we are truly feeling and needing — feels frightening and risky. Instead, we instinctively put on emotional armor by attacking, defending, escaping or trying to control. While these strategies may protect us from feeling exposed in the moment, they also protect us from the closeness and connection that all healthy relationships need. 

When we gradually replace these protective strategies with vulnerable communication, relationships become places of greater safety, understanding and trust. Partners feel more deeply known, conflicts become opportunities for connection rather than division, and closeness becomes the foundation upon which the relationship grows and endures.

At the heart of all four strategies is the same message: Protecting myself feels safer than revealing what I am truly feeling and needing.

While these strategies may provide temporary relief to the person using them, they almost inevitably increase the distress of the other person. The result is a painful cycle in which each person’s attempt to feel better becomes a source of suffering for the relationship.

The goal, then, is not to become a person who never experiences distress. The goal is to become someone who no longer has to hide their distress behind protective strategies.

If these ideas resonate with you and you’d like to learn more about expressing feelings and needs in ways that build connection rather than distance, I highly recommend the book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (3rd edition)” by Marshall Rosenberg. It has profoundly influenced my own work with individuals and couples, along with my own personal life.

I am cheering you on to welcome the language of feelings and needs and to practice the courage to respond to distress with authenticity and vulnerability. It just may transform your relationship and your life.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information, visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.