To sort of pick up on where I left off in my last column, I would be remiss in detailing my first heartbreak experience — as an adult — if I didn’t mention the most important part of the healing process, the process of finding oneself in the aftermath. However, so the saying goes that being in your 20s is all about losing oneself and finding oneself, over and over again.
I’ve definitely found that to be true, as someone who has encountered a few hurdles throughout the past few years.
But the emotional pain of going through the breakup was unlike any emotional pain that I’ve been through. I didn’t lose myself in the relationship, but I lost a part of myself in all the health issues that began very shortly after it. Because my body, truly, did not get a breather until the middle of May, after my last painful Spinraza treatment and an ER visit, which were unrelated, but occurred within the same week.
It was a lot to go through. Because while I have talked a lot about allowing my body to get the rest that it needs in other columns this year, loyal readers will not be surprised that it was very hard for me to do that. But not for the usual reasons (i.e., my being incredibly high-strung).
Like every other person out there who has gone through a breakup, I desperately wanted to fast-forward to the point where I finally feel OK. And the thought of him is a distant memory instead of a bruise that brought tears to my eyes every time my mind ventured near the idea of him. I wanted to find someone else to fill the hole that he had left. Because he had some qualities that prevented me from envisioning a future with him, I felt more than ready to date for marriage again. I had gotten a brief taste of the security of what being in a relationship felt like, and I wanted to feel that again. Imminently.
However, my health issues that began soon after, made it virtually impossible to go on dates, let alone jump into a new relationship. I have never been good about processing hard things as they’re happening, and my way of “coping” has always been to bury myself in school and/or work to the point that I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else.
And believe me, I still tried to distract myself with other boys. So far this year, I have gone on five virtual dates. Because I’ve been on dating apps for a while, I know better than to go on a date without feeling out the connection first. Especially because dating is a little abnormal for me. The first two were at the beginning of the year, when it was still hard for me to talk without feeling like I was going to pass out. Hence, I did those through a Google Meets call. And yes, they were awkward. But the connections also weren’t there, mutually speaking, which is the sentiment that continued into the following dates. Because when I was able to actually talk, I was the one who was carrying the conversation. And that kind of took away any initial excitement that I had towards meeting the respective boys.
In hindsight, this was essentially the first time in my life that my body was forced to be still when I was going through something emotionally traumatic.
It was due to extenuating circumstances, but I’m proud of myself for actually working through the feelings that I had. Because there is a version of me that didn’t get sick very shortly after, that maybe found a boy to date more easily, but I don’t doubt for a minute that she isn’t still stuck in the devastation of last July.
Of course, there are many moments that I still miss the connection that he and I shared, but they are more fond memories now, instead of things that will make me inevitably start crying. And almost a year later, I am finding my way back to myself, again.
I am able to read romance novels, after many months of boycotting them, because I was afraid of picturing his face as the main male character. Also, I’m writing more than I have in years, and maybe it’ll turn into something or maybe it won’t. It just feels really good to reconnect with a past version of myself, and reignite dreams and goals that I thought were long buried.
Because I’m worth more than any mark a guy has left on me.
Gazette columnist Joanna Buoniconti is a freelance writer and editor. She is currently pursuing her master’s at Emerson College. She can be reached at columnist@gazettenet.com.