Last week, while using my Samsung phone, I was surprised to read that it was being recalled because …
That’s as far as I got. Suddenly the phone burst into flames. This may have been due to a manufacturing glitch or because I threw the phone into a raging open fire.
Disgusted? Sick of buying product after product, only to have them recalled for some defect a besotted teen could have detected? Phones bursting into flames! Laptops that melt in your lap! Cars that refuse to brake unless you read the manual to them! What’s next? Exploding blenders? Toasters that weep? Smartphones that begin speaking in tongues?
Consumer advocates note with alarm the rising number of product recalls. Remember those innocent days when, maybe once a year, some car would explode when rear-ended? There would be lawsuits. Punitive damages. The Made-for-TV movie. And that was about it. But nowadays, hardly a week goes by without some scandal in your local Big Box Store.
Maybe you missed it, but word is out that your food processor might overheat and begin sun-drying all those tomatoes. Your laptop is being recalled because it no longer stays in your lap (NOTE: this might be your fault). And your dog is being recalled because he just won’t…stop…bar-KING!
With product recalls running rampant (I’m recalling my column of July 21 because it wasn’t funny), something must be done. The problem, however, is not in our manufacturers, but in ourselves. The reason there are too many product recalls is simple: too many products.
Every American kitchen now resembles the appliance aisle at Walmart. Every human action is now done by a device. The fact that a few of these devices slice instead of dice, blow chunks or break into song is not as alarming as the brain damage they inflict when they work perfectly. So I suggest a different kind of recall. Imagine …
Apple announced today that it is recalling the iPhone 7 because the device sucks the social life out of any room. “People just can’t put their damn phones down,” Apple chair Tim Cook said. “I mean, enough. Get a life, people. Stop staring into your palms and TALK to someone!” Cook announced that if the recall is ignored, Apple’s next software upgrade will include a button reading iGNITE.
Coffee R Us announced that it is recalling its bean grinder because the device just takes up room on the counter. “I got news for you,” the company’s CEO announced. “You can buy coffee that’s already ground. O, brave new world …”
The Chinese-based Uncle Ben Company announced yesterday that it is recalling all 52 million of its automatic rice cookers. “Look,” Uncle Ben said with that winning smile, “the Chinese have been making rice manually since the Han Dynasty. A little water, stir, drain, more water, boil, simmer. How slothful is America, anyway?”
This just in — Aero-pure is recalling 32 million portable air purifiers. “Hey, air gets dirty,” the company’s CEO said. “Suck it up. We’re all going to die someday. Ever see the air over here in China, and we live just as long as you!”
Taco-boy, makers of the increasingly popular automatic taco maker, announced it is recalling all its products and going out of business. “Taco makers?” the company’s founder said. “What were we thinking? We’re becoming a nation of mindless shoppers who will buy anything they see on TV.”
And finally, Wash-tel announced it is recalling its electric fruit and vegetable washer. Wash-tel’s CEO said its designers had spent years perfecting the device, which “gently bathes your fruits and vegetables.”
“Then,” the CEO said, “my wife told me about this stuff called water.”
Bruce Watson can be reached at breadandroses22@yahoo.com.