This is the way I imagined Donald Trump’s concession speech:
My fellow Americans, I lost, fair and square. This has forced me to do some soul-searching. I haven’t found one yet, but I’ll keep looking because I’ve got nothing better to do.
My fellow Americans, I’m sorry.
Since my staff took away my access to Twitter, I’ve had time to think for the first time is many months. I found this internet thingie and Goobled myself instead of tweeting insults at all hours of the night.
I didn’t like what I saw. I’ve been appealing to hate and fear and jealousy and bigotry and sexism. I’m sorry for all that. Did you know the KKK endorsed me? How could anyone vote for me after that? I said that we should kill the families of suspected terrorists, which I learned is a war crime. What’s wrong with me?
I said that women should be punished for abortions, as if I have any right to tell them what to do. I’m sorry. I said I’d get rid of gay marriage. I don’t even know if I believe that, or if I just said it to get homophobes to vote for me. Either way, I’m sorry.
I even looked at my own website. Who wrote that garbage? Why am I trying to give rich people like me another tax break when there are hungry children in the country? Why do I claim that I’ll be strong against terrorism when I’m so terrified that I want to hide the whole country behind a wall?
Do you know they have fact-checkers on the internet? Why didn’t anyone tell me that I was lying so much? I was mostly just making up crap and repeating crap from my advisers. Why would anyone believe all that crap and vote for me?
I’m sorry for misusing your anger to run for office. I knew your anger should be directed toward wealthy jerks like me who put my greed above the good of the country. I’m sorry I tried to blame problems people like me created on people who have been trying to help.
If I had any decency, I would have encouraged Americans to direct their anger toward the greedy people who have squeezed the life out of the American middle class. But I was one of those greedy people who rigged the system against you. Hell, I go on trial for fraud in a few weeks because of my fake university, and my fake foundation will probably be next. I’m sorry for being a con artist.
I’m sorry for being a weakling who thought that treating women like objects made me a big man. I’m sorry for not really understanding that women are real people and not just things to grab. I’m sorry for cheating on all of my wives and then pandering to born-again Christians. What’s wrong with me?
Just so everybody knows, this isn’t a fake apology like the one my staff wrote for me after that tape of me bragging about sexual assault went public. This apology is real. I won’t use this apology to blame other people. For once in my life, I’m going to try to accept responsibility.
I’m sorry that I attacked President Obama and Hillary Clinton. I acted like a terrible person during this campaign. Am I a terrible person? I don’t know. I’ve been so busy fantasizing about ruling the world that I’ve never really thought about my own behavior. I sure as hell seem like a terrible person when I watch myself in those debates. What kind of person shouts “Wrong!” when someone else is talking? A terrible person, that’s who. I’m sorry for acting like a spoiled toddler.
I’m sorry I treated Hillary like she’s a terrible person. Have you people actually ever listened to Hillary? She’s way smarter than I am. She knows what she’s doing. She actually has plans — good ones! I looked them up. You should too. She makes sense.
I never had plans. All I had were stupid walls and stupid slogans on stupid hats. Smart people have made me feel stupid my whole life. I’ve obviously been bragging about how smart I am because I feel stupid inside. I hope it’s not too late to change.
Hillary actually is a good person. She’s the opposite of “nasty.” She’s not a criminal. She cares way more about making America great than I ever did. Every time I called her “Crooked Hillary,” I was just hoping that no one would notice how crooked I’ve always been. I’m sorry.
Hillary will be a great president. You’ll see. I’m glad more people voted for her than for me. American already is great, and she’ll help keep it great if you give her a chance and don’t listen to ignorant blowhards like me.
I’m going to go away now and shut my big fat mouth for a long time. It’s like the old joke about the guy who wouldn’t want to join a club that would have him as a member. I wouldn’t want to be president of a country stupid enough to elect me president.
John Sheirer is an author and teacher who lives in Florence. His most recent publication is a children’s counting book, “Tim-Buck-Ten,” co-written with his dog Libby. Find him at JohnSheirer.com.