“This film starts out like ‘The Love Boat’ on acid.” That’s how the IMDB describes 1968’s “The Lost Continent.” Darned if I can find a better way to describe it. Since Valentine’s Day is looming and love is in the frigid air, let’s take a romantic cruise. We’ll forgo a luxury liner like The Love Boat and opt instead for The Corita, the decrepit vessel of one Captain Larson.

The good captain (Eric Porter) is transporting drums of chemicals that will explode if the contents get wet. Undaunted by the fact his ship is more or less a sieve, he forges ahead into the benighted waters of the Sargasso Sea. His passengers have no problem with this, being too caught up with affairs of the heart.

Spoiled brat Unity is traveling with her promiscuous father, Dr. Webster. Drunken bum Harry knocks Dr. Webster overboard, where he is promptly eaten by a shark. Never fond of her father, Unity sees this as a positive sign in Harry’s character, and they hook up. Over-the-hill Eva was once romantically involved with the dictator of a small country. She is now searching for her son (the offspring of this union), but lawyer Ricaldi blackmails her. He says he’ll take his payment in cash or … you know what. The captain almost joins the couple in their ensuing tryst, but wisely retreats. You won’t see these plots on “The Love Boat,” folks!

After an adventure involving killer seaweed, Cupid rears his head again. Bored with a now-sober Harry, Unity turns her wiles to sleazy lawyer Ricaldi, who, after a tender moment sharing a cigarette with Unity, gets devoured by a seaweed octopus. Ditto the ship’s bartender, who lights a smoke and is killed by a hermit crab. At this point a very well-endowed woman named Sara walks across the Sargasso Sea in gigantic snowshoes, held aloft by big balloons (I know how this sounds).

Now the movie ventures into uncharted waters. Get this: It turns out the Sargasso Sea is ruled by the leftover rejects of the Spanish Inquisition, who sail around on a Spanish galleon under the leadership of their boy king, “El Supremo.”

I saw this movie with my uncle when I was a kid, and the high point for me was when El Supremo orders one of his pointy-headed minions to toss a slave into a pit of man-eating jellyfish. My uncle was disgusted — I thought it was the bees knees.

All good things must come to an end, as Captain Larson shrewdly puts his explosives to good use. A misty-eyed funeral is held for the now-expired El Supremo, and the dilapidated Corita sets sail for more romantic interludes, with Balloon Girl joining the festivities.

So there’s your choice for Valentine’s Day: The Love Boat or The Corita. Cupid and I are not on the best of terms these days, so I guess I’d take the killer seaweed over the chocolates. Toss in Balloon Girl and let’s set sail.

— Blaise Majkowski

Gazette page designer and B-movie aficonado