Artificial intelligence, or AI, has come home to roost. Having given up on human intelligence, the world is doubling down on the artificial variety. Everywhere you go, you see people hunched in deep conversation with their phones, their tablets, their watches, asking a collection of microchips named “Siri” to tell them the time, the date, the weather.
Keeping track of time, date, and weather is terribly taxing for mortal minds, so who wouldn’t ask a well-programmed AI device? And there’s a new voice in the field, a certain “Alexa” who works for Amazon’s AI device, tirelessly answering the same questions and others.
“Alexa, why do I need AI?”
“Because you have yet to develop an actual life.”
All this AI chatter leads even minor intellects to wonder. Who’s next? Beyond Siri and Alexa, what other voices will soon be haunting us from the digital ether?
First up: Earl. Earl doesn’t trifle with basics. Or with that “How can I help you?” smarm. Earl is programmed to swear like a sailor and, on cue, spew insults at your in-laws. Or at anyone else who comes in your zone.
“Hey Earl — tell my mother-in-law to suck eggs.”
And Earl does it! For free! If your mother-in-law gets all huffy, Earl takes the blame. “Aw, go take a flyin’…” he snarls, and you and Earl move on to that cousin you never liked.
After Earl, the next AI voice you hear will be Grams. Ask Grams any question and she responds with one of three answers. “Go ask Gramps,” “I’ve never thought of that before,” or “Everything’s going to be all right. I’ve made toast.”
“Grams,” you ask, “what are the symptoms of viral pneumonia?”
“Go ask Gramps.”
“But I think I might have it.”
“I’ve never thought of that before.”
(Vicious coughing.)
“Everything’s going to be all right. I’ve made toast.”
And everything will be all right with Crusty Ol’ Stan. Stan answers questions about hardware. Ask Crusty Ol’ Stan the date, the weather, the time and he says, “Jeez, didn’t I tell ya I’m busy for chrissake?” But ask him about a power drill and he goes on for hours.
Beyond Stan, many of us miss children around the home. AI has an answer — Kayla. No matter what you say to Kayla, her answer is the same.: “Why.”
“Kayla, what time is it?”
“Why?”
“Because I want to know.”
“Why?”
“Because I … never mind. I’ll go ask Alexa.”
The newest AI persona, Matt, shouts at your TV. Just tell Matt what raging, irrational pundit you’re watching and he takes over.
“It’s O’Reilly, Matt,” you whisper.
“That right-wing jerk! O’Reilly, you don’t have a clue what – ”
Thanks to Matt, you can forget the political swamp we’re in, especially if you’ve met Abe, the AI president. Channeling the wisdom of Lincoln, Abe answers your questions about America.
“Abe, why do we have the Electoral College?”
“Go ask Gramps.”
“But the Electoral College is loony, Abe. It’s undemocratic. Why do we keep it?”
“I’ve never thought of that before.”
“Wait, did you download Grams?”
“Everything’s going to be all right. I’ve made toast.”
So there are still a few bugs in AI. That’s why you need Selena. Just boot her up, say “Selena, get with the program,” and she dials tech support. While you reach for a book, Selena gives tech support your name, your operating system, your phone number in case you get disconnected. Then she waits 35 minutes listening to distorted elevator music.
Finally, with carefully measured outrage, Selena tells the poor, underpaid worker in Mumbai that you’re sick of AI and want to acquire some human intelligence before it’s too late. And when you get disconnected, Selena emits a plume of black smoke from your device. Suddenly you’re free of AI, free to develop an actual life.
Bruce Watson can be reached at breadandroses22@yahoo.com.