Dear Susan:
I went to pick my daughter up after a sleep over and when I walked into the house all of the girls were sitting in the living room. While they were all together in one room, they were anything but together. Each of them sat by themselves hunched over a cell phone. It broke my heart. Something feels so off to me, but I keep hearing that as a parent I have no choice about my daughter having a phone because that is what she needs now to have friends.
— Broken-Hearted
Hang onto your grief, for it is a sane response in a time that often chooses what is insane, unhealthy and not in keeping with the real developmental needs of our children. One of the things kids need most right now are parents who are willing to look squarely at where the screen technologies are distorting social interactions, and then exhibiting the courage to choose differently when it is determined, or likely, that the phones are interfering with healthy social development.
This is not an easy thing to do. How do we even go about choosing differently than those around us when one of our deepest needs is to belong? And, as every parent knows, the last thing we want is for our children to not fit in. How then are we to proceed when the prevailing attitude is that without the phones our children will be friendless? What are we to do given all of the ways that cell phones are pushing our biological buttons around belonging, making them a must-have whether or not they are actually good for healthy social interactions? This is an enormous challenge that we face as parents trying to make decisions around what to bring into our children’s lives, along with what to leave out.
Given how complex, deeply ingrained in the human psyche and, at times, confusing, belonging can be, this question requires time and reflection to gain perspective on the role of cell phones in childhood. It is a technology that in such a short amount of time has so profoundly changed what it means to be human. And all of this has taken place before securing the input of parents, educators, pediatricians and others who best understand and advocate for the real needs of our children. As the adults, this places us in a bind given that this technology has inserted itself so profoundly in between our children and their peers, without receiving the due diligence that our children’s lives deserve.
What does it say about what we as a culture value that parents were not consulted on this? Did tech companies create and market their products to help our children excel in relationships? You might think I am being flip here, but truly this is a place that must be explored if we are to come to the truth around what the devices are to be in the lives of our children. For if we come to the place where we recognize that the cell phones are interfering with socialization, this is the place to start. And if we come to discover that we have all been swept up in the wrong thing because of how new this is to all of us, and how we did not imagine it turning out this way for our kids, then as the adults in the room it is up to us, and only us, to turn this around and choose on behalf of what it is that makes for healthy children.
How do we go about doing this?
I recently heard someone say, “What comes first is most important.” Nowhere is this more true than with the unfolding of a child’s social life. We already know that earlier stages in childhood set the tone for what is to come, and that each phase has its own particular opportunities built in, as well as its potential pitfalls if not met and negotiated well. There is a progression in how our children learn to be social that starts with skin to skin contact with the newborn and goes through into young adulthood with essential learning happening all along the way. And like any aspect of human growth, social skills require lots of everyday opportunities, often seemingly mundane and even invisible, to develop well.
Given this, what are we to do with technologies built to grab and hold our children’s attention in a way that causes them to overlook the friends that are right in front of them? And what will happen when our children come to prefer the ease, entertainment and stimulation of a screen over the work involved in being in a real face-to-face relationship? The devices are never neutral in the life of a child. Therefore, neither should we be. To that end, here are a couple of very specific and very hard questions to ask:
“Is it true that our children will be without friends without a cell phone?”
“Instead of ‘connecting’ our children, are the phones disrupting an essential human capacity, and if lost, will they be able to get it back?”
I would encourage you to spend time with these questions as a way to help you get clear about what your daughter needs. Talk to people you trust. Spend time observing what you are seeing with your daughter and her friends. And if you do not intuitively have a feel for this, I urge you to seek out guidance from sources who know child development. Who know about what needs to come first in the life of a child. And while questioning in this way requires taking a chance, aren’t our children worth it?
P.S. As a mother whose children did not have cell phones until after they graduated from high school, I can report two things: they had good friends, and their friends had their backs when it came to socializing. In addition, because friends had to come through the house phone, it meant that a lot of what is not good for kids just didn’t happen.
Susan McNamara is a Certified Holistic Health Counselor and holds a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology. As an adjunct professor at Westfield State University, she explores the impact technology has on students’ health and well-being as part of an overall curriculum on stress reduction. To submit a technology-related question, email her at TheFarmatAvalon@hotmail.com.