Sometimes I forget who I am. I know that may sound odd. It’s not like I have amnesia — I know my name, my address and my date of birth. It’s just that sometimes, when I’m engrossed in something, I forget I’m female and not male anymore.
That whole idea doesn’t seem that weird when you realize that for the first 50 years of my life, I wasn’t female, at least not on the outside. That started to change in 2016 when I started my male-to-female transition, changing the way the world views me but not radically changing me as a person — at least on the inside.
What does it feel like to be a man and what does it feel like to be a woman? There is no way to know — everyone’s experience is different. I know that long before I transitioned, I didn’t dwell on what I felt, or other men felt, about being male — despite feeling inside like I was the wrong gender.
Now, being female is something I’m very cognizant of, unlike my previous feelings about being male. Currently, I do get frustrated by all the discrimination I face as a woman, plus all the discrimination I face as a trans person.
Still, I am thrilled with my life and my role in society, sometimes to the point of giddiness, other times to the point where I cry due to the overwhelming power of this incredible experience. How many cis-gendered people feel this?
You don’t make a change to your life like this on a whim, and for me, it was a long time coming. Still, though, there are times when I am amazed at who I now am and am kind of in a state of disbelief.
I was out with some old friends a couple of months ago for some food, drink and to catch up on our lives. At the restaurant, I was seated opposite from a large mirror and every time I turned my head to talk to people at either end of the table, I’d see my reflection. Sometimes I would just keep glancing at my reflection, not to be vain, but in awe of the fact that this person I was looking at really was me: a woman.
This experience is not like donning some costume for Halloween or being made up by a Hollywood makeup artist to look like a woman — this is real, this is me. This is my life, which while it is not vastly different than my old male life, it is different. Certainly, the way I feel about myself and the world around me is different, some no doubt due to the hormones in my body, but also due to how society interacts with me.
There are times when I might be in a place or a situation or watching a TV show or movie I first experienced as a male, and it takes me back, in my mind, to that time and role. While I have not seen the movie in years, “When Harry Met Sally” was a favorite of both me and my wife, seeing the movie at least a dozen times together.
When I saw the movie back in 1989, I associated myself, because of my place in our relationship, with Billy Crystal’s character Harry. He was a guy who liked to joke, I was a guy who liked to joke. Meg Ryan’s character Sally, in many similar ways, was my wife. I think that were I to watch the movie again, I might feel like “Harry” again, although I’m sure to recognize a lot “Sally” in me.
I should really try to watch it again — it might be an interesting experiment to see what the film conjures up for me. I’ll probably learn that I’m just a girl who likes to make jokes — no matter how dumb they are! Old habits die hard.
I know for many people, the fact that someone is transgender can be incredibly hard to comprehend. Please trust me when I say, cross-gender feelings are very real, and nothing is better than finally living as your true self.
Mariel Addis is a native of Florence. She left the area for 16 years but returned in 2013 and loves being back in the Valley.