In my 20 years of work in the field of domestic violence, I have never met anyone who wants to be abused. What I have seen is many people who struggle to identify the early warning signs of abuse, especially teens. That is why we have teen dating violence awareness month every February. It gives us a chance to focus on teens and prevention.

It is understandable that young people get confused. Most relationships start out healthy enough, and if they do become unhealthy it doesn’t usually happen quickly or with consistency. There are often cycles that include bad times, followed by apologies and a return to the good times. But if a relationship is headed toward abuse, there can be important signs that can be easy to miss, especially for young people.

Intense jealousy can look like love. Possessiveness and pressure to spend a lot of time together — even at the expense of other friendships — can feel flattering. Controlling behavior can look like a partner who just wants to take care of you, make all the plans, and maybe even pay for everything. Mind games and gaslighting can make teens feel that it is their fault if they are mistreated, and that if they only tried harder their relationship would return to how good it was at the beginning.

If things go bad, a partner’s plea for loyalty can be compelling, especially when coupled with promises to change. And leaving a relationship can become difficult. Their partner may threaten to share intimate photos or secrets on social media, to trash talk them among mutual friends, or to find some other way to make them regret leaving.

Their partner may plead with them to stay, saying they don’t know what they will do to themselves if their partner leaves or claiming that their partner is the only one who understands them and the only one that can help them do better.

This complexity explains in part why a 2023 survey of Hampshire County youth showed that over one-third of 12th grade students (38%) have at least one friend who has been abused by a dating partner. This is not something that is happening to just a few teens or something that can be easily dismissed. Teens need guidance, and they need this guidance whether they are being harmed, the ones causing harm, or even witnessing harm.

Many people ask me what they can do to help. Here is my answer: Talk about it. Raise the topic. Dive in. Ask the teens you know what they think about relationships in their school and why.

These are not one-time conversations. We can use any opportunity — a song, a movie, a post — to gently raise the topic over time. It helps to listen without judgment and to add what we know little by little, rather than downloading everything we know at once.

If teens disagree with us, this can be a good thing. Let them struggle with new ideas. This is often when the best learning happens. To learn more about how to have these conversations, check out loveisrespect.org, a project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline that focuses on young people ages 13-26.

Research shows that one in five people who experience relationship abuse have their first experience of abuse as a teen. We have a chance to change their trajectory, one conversation at a time.

Monica Moran lives in Amherst.