I support President For Life Trump’s (PFLT) re-naming of the Defense Department. The best defense is a good offense. They could call it the “Department of Offense” because War Department’s Secretary Heck-worth’s personality is so offensive or the Department of D-Fence, like they say in the NFL but no, from now on the new old name is the Department of War. What is it good for?
Now PFLT has to think of snarky new names for those federal departments he hasn’t decimated yet. For instance, the In-justice Department, The Department of Homeland In-security or the Department of Housing and Urban Invasion. The Education Department would be renamed the The Department of Ignorance. Their new slogan is: We just make stuff up! To save money they share that slogan with the Bureau of Economic Analysis, the Bureau of Justice Statistics and the Census Bureau. PFLT is also going to re-name the mint, he never liked that flavor, unless they start minting his cryptocurrency. The IRS will be changed to the IRPS, but the new name will be the Department of Increasing Rich Peoples Salaries. But I digress.
Other changes to some of the lesser departments are the The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau changed to the CSRS (Consumer Scam and Rip-off Service) and the White House gets 2% cash back on every rip-off. The National Guard will be renamed the Praetorian Guard. The National Endowment for the Humanities, in alignment with the presidents pro-America priorities, will be renamed the NEPCS (National Endowment for the Preservation of Confederate Statues.) The Immigration and Naturalization Service will be re-branded as the AWB (Afrikaner Welcome Bureau.) The EPA renamed the EDA (Environmental Degradation Agency) and the Department of the Interior will be moved out. The National Park Service was going to change it’s name to Exxon but that’s too blatant, so he’ll call it the DBDD (The Drill Baby Drill Department) and move its office to the “Gulf of America.” The CDC (The Center For Disease Control and Prevention ) changed to CDDIP or “The Center For Disease Denial and Immunization Prevention.” Space Command to “Starship Trump Troopers” and the name for the SCOTUS will be changed to the WEYSMPO (What ever you say Mr. President Office.) The Office of Government Ethics (there’s an oxymoron for you) will be renamed the OWEPTGAW “Office of What Ever PFLT Thinks he can Get Away With.” Finally, the Federal Election Commission changed to the IWDWIFC (If We Didn’t Win, It’s Fraud Commission.)
Although why we even need elections if he’s PFLT is beyond me. But I digress, again. Don’t worry about how much it will cost to change all the signs, plaques and letterheads throughout the government because Mexico will pay for it.
Andy Morris-Friedman lives in Hadley.