I don’t watch much television, mainly the news/weather broadcasts and a baseball game now and then if the Sox are on. Unfortunately it has become too painful to watch them recently, so instead I root against those Boys from The Bronx. Regrettably, my efforts in that regard haven’t been very productive these days either. As we old Brooklyn Dodger fans used to say, “Wait till next year.” With a Yankees/Dodgers series on tap, where is Johnny Podres when we need him?

Looking on the “bright” side, I would like to share with the Gazette readership some of the extremely informative, useful, and critical material which I would never have been privy to had I not flicked on the boob tube. I’m doing you this favor in case you have missed these salient points.

I’ll begin with the medical advice for all that ails you which is aired to supposedly help the afflicted. These ads actually can make you sick. Perhaps that’s the aim of the companies that pay for these commercials in order to increase sales. They go something like this.

“If you are suffering from virtually any discomfort under the sun, be sure to take Doctor Clark Stanley’s (The Rattlesnake King) Snake Oil Cure — but don’t take it if you are allergic to it!”

Gosh. I wish I had thought of that I had no idea. Thank you for that warning. (It’s almost as useful as flight attendants instructing me how to buckle and unbuckle my seat belt on an airplane.)

This enlightening cautionary note is offered to us free of charge — no insurance, no referral, and no office visit necessary. It comes straight from Big Pharma or the company that manufactures the miracle cure. Can it get any better than that?

Watching a half-hour of the local news (on any channel) has become an exercise in the ability to withstand torture. I’ll skip discussing the headlines dealing with drug busts, fires, and motor vehicle accidents but rather cut to the weather reports. During this 30-minute time span we are subjected to these “meteorologists” repeating the same message four times.

“We will have partial sunshine, but I can’t rule out a chance of rain now and then. Some areas might see a sprinkle or two — even a chance of thunder and lightning — but we will also probably see sunshine, too. You might want to bring along an umbrella or a raincoat in case of wet weather, but the chances of rain are only moderate. Be careful if you’re driving in wet weather and enjoy the sunshine.” And on and on.

This repetitive message is reiterated three more times during the broadcast. In addition, these weathermen (I mean weatherpersons, I mean “meteorologists”) all seem to be auditioning to be comedians, and it’s so sad. To add insult to injury, the commercials from the local automotive dealerships, which punctuate these forecasts, make the experience completely unbearable.

While on the subject of commercials, what has happened to the hilarious and memorable ones of the past? Here is one of my favorites for a now defunct clothing store in New York City called Barney’s. (Its line has been taken over by Saks Fifth Ave.) if you don’t get it, you’ll have to ask one of your friends who was raised in the city to explain it to you.

Five 10-year-old boys are sitting on a stoop in The Bronx, four of them in their street clothes shootin’ the breeze after having played a morning of stickball along with a nerdy kid in a tie and jacket — that’s Barney. One kid asks one of the others, “What do you wanna be when you grow up, Humphrey?” He answers, “I wanna be a great Hollywood movie star.” They all snicker.

Another one asks, “And what do you wanna be when you grow up, Louis?” He replies, “I wanna be a great horn player and singer.” More snickers. The next question comes, “And what do you wanna be when you grow up, Fiorello?” He retorts, “I wanna be the mayor of New York.” “Yeah sure,” the others giggle.

Then they ask, “What do you wanna be, Casey?” His answer, “I wanna be in the World Series.” Guffaws follow. Finally they all look at the nerd on the bottom step of the stoop and together ask teasingly, “And what do you wanna be, Barneee?” He answers thoughtfully staring through his glasses, “You’re all going to need clothes.”

Think about it — history, culture, humor, intellect, and the message is clear.

I will leave you this month with one more piece of essential and indispensable information which I heard on the weather report earlier this week.

“It’s officially fall and winter is on the way. Despite the recent warm temperatures, it will become colder, especially at night. It might be time to take a heavier jacket out of the closet.”

I hope you all find this as useful as I did. You’re welcome.

Jonathan Kahane lives in Westhampton.