The latest medical hoax, the worst hoax perpetrated on the American people in the history of our once-great country, dwarfing all other hoaxes except the 2020 election, is the bird flu.

First it was COVID, now bird flu. In the pecking order of impending crises, why are they crowing about what I call the “cluck flu?” I don’t care, I’m not a bird. Congress simply needs to pass a law saying that viruses have to stick to their original infected animal at the time of conception, like they do in Florida.

Back when America was great, chickens got chicken pox, monkeys got monkey pox and cows got cow pox. But now cows get chicken pox, people get monkey pox and monkeys get cow pox, which is udderly ridiculous. Two million chickens are killed due to bird flu and they act like the sky is falling, but each year in the U.S. 8 billion chickens are killed for food, so in comparison that’s a poultry amount.

If Donald Trump was still president none of this would be happening, because he controls the chicken wing of the Republican Party. When, I wonder, will his come home to roost?

If the chickens would just stay calm, bird flu would just fly away. But now the “flu chickens” are using a laboratory-created crisis as an excuse to take over guarding the hen house!

I saw that on Fox News. Soon they’ll force the chickens to wear masks, keep social distance and take vaccines. Have they no respect for a chicken’s bodily integrity? If a chicken wants to wear a mask that’s OK, although I don’t know how they would put them on for themselves. But no chicken should be forced by some bird brain in the government to take vaccines that contain computer chips that make you vote for Democrats.

Now to be fair and balanced, if it made you vote Republican I might switch my position on that. At least now we know why the chicken crossed the road: to maintain their social distancing. Let’s zap infected birds with space lasers and inject them with disinfectant. Inject a chicken with Lysol and that kills the flu in one minute, and the chicken in two minutes. Problem solved.

Or better yet, giving chickens vouchers so they can buy their own hydroxychloroquine is a market-biased solution to the bird flu crisis hoax. I’ve been taking hydroxychloroquine for years now and my recent brain scan didn’t find anything. But I digress.

Everyone agrees that everything bad that happens in America lately is really the fault of helpless immigrants and Chinese communists. After all, avian flu arrived in America from Asia. Therefore I propose this simple solution to the avian flu crisis hoax that sounds good but won’t work: I’m calling for the building of a big, beautiful wall that will stop birds from entering our country illegally and the birds will pay for it! Followed by the largest deportation of chickens in American history since Colonel Sanders.

They’re flocking to our cities, fowling our blood, feathering their nests with taxpayer money, pooping on our cars and bringing in crime and drugs and more crime. They’ll take away the jobs of hard-working American chickens who will get laid off.

The truth is that giving birds a bird flu test is for the birds. Like the man said, if we didn’t have so much testing we wouldn’t have so many cases. No harm, no fowl. The real truth is that in the whole history of bird flu, there has never once been a single case of a bird testing positive that was never tested.

So much for the so-called egghead egg-sperts! So instead of worrying about it, keep your sunny side up. As the price of poultry pops due to chicken shortages and chicken rationing, it will the best thing to happen to the pork industry since the Democrats took over Congress.

Andy Morris-Friedman lives in Hadley.